I take humor very seriously. To me, there is little doubt about its benefits. Laughter is good for you.

My Dad is, hands down, the funniest person I have ever known. It doesn’t matter what you say to him, he will come back at you with one of his many bizarre, and often hilarious, catch phrases.

For instance, if you ask him what time it is, he will reply, “Time for all dogs to die, don’t you feel sick?” He doesn’t say he’s going to get a haircut, but instead he’s “going to get his ears lowered”. And, if you ask him to do something when he’s lounging in a chair his reply will be, “I’m awful busy”.

Imagine Steve Carell’s character on The Office saying, “That’s what she said”, but multiply it times infinity. My Dad has tons of these trademark lines. He has so many quotes, that he keeps them numbered “for emergencies”.

On my wedding video, he lifted his glass to toast me and his new son-in-law and said, “Here’s looking up your old address.” And when I was a kid, and I would start to get on his nerves he would say, “Go call your Mother and tell her she wants you.” But, if I was being unusually bad he would say, “Knock it off or I’m going to cloud up and rain all over you.”

More than a few of these have stuck. I find myself uttering his lines.

At my former job I heard some quotes which I continue to use such as, “It’s so cold outside, you could snap an ear off”. And, instead of saying, “Give me a break”, one of my co-workers used to say, “Peel me a grape”. I find myself saying that every day.

Not long ago a girl I know used the line, “Hot damn in can”, and now I say it too. Another thing I say quite often is, “For crying in a sink”. My husband’s family says, “For crying in a pop bottle”.

But, my most frequent quote? Well, it makes me sound like I’m Jed Clampett. When something goes wrong I always say, “Dag-nabbit”.

If I ever want to have a library as large as my Dad’s I have a lot of work to do. So, I need your help. Boys and girls, I’m curious…what is your favorite phrase?

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Yesterday, Oprah hosted Tom Cruise as they celebrated his 25 years in the film industry. It’s hard to believe, considering he looks like he’s fourteen. In the absence of couch-jumping, they discussed how perfect his life is.

After he surprised a fan in the audience, it was time for the tables to be turned. Tom’s Hollywood buddies surprised him by making video clips to congratulate him on his career.

First, Will and Jada talked about how “real” Tom is. Only, they didn’t call him Tom, they called him T.C., and those are not accurate initials, because Tom’s “real” last name is Mapother. That makes him kind of real…like pleather.

Then, Jada explained how her hair had been chopped of in a bad weed-whacking accident.

Next, the audience saw Renee Zellweger’s greeting. She told us how Tom was born with some kind of “magic”. Black magic.

And in an uncanny twist, Renee declared her hair had also been chopped off by a weed-whacker.

A video clip from David and Victoria Beckham revealed that when David opens his mouth to talk, he’s not as cute as you thought he was. Mr. Rogers called, he wants his cardigan back.

Becks explained that he enjoys being Tom’s friend because they like to play a game called Guess Which Wife is Yours.

After the show, Tom called the audience glib then went back to his perfect life.

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Last night, I attended a Police concert. No Mom, not actual law enforcement personnel, but The Police…as in the band with a guy named Sting.

Can anyone tell me what happened to the young fellas who once danced around on MTV? Because those guys are gone. Someone went and replaced them with three well-over-middle-aged men.

And, you know what else happened? The audience went and got old too. The binocular rental booth was hopping, and if I had a dollar for every gray hair I saw, my family would be sitting pretty for generations to come. If I was a geriatric physician, I would have been handing out business cards.

What’s really sad about the whole thing, is that it means I’m aging as well. For crying out loud, I walked to the show with orthotics in my shoes, and at one point I almost had to stop and stretch. Darn youngsters designing those long city blocks.

But, as long as those boys keep playing, I’ll continue to wear my arch supports and dance…okay, sit.

“Honey, break out the bifocals…Def Leppard’s coming to town.”

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In case you were beginning to think my five year old son is always a sweetheart, here is an e-mail I received from our niece yesterday. She babysat the kids Thursday evening…

Aunt Mo,

I forgot to tell you something about your boy last night…so we’re laying down together reading a lovely Dr. Suess novel in bed…me thinking he was drifting off to sleep as we were on page 58 of this never ending rhyme, and all of a sudden your boy, out of nowhere, bites my nose (it was gentle – no need to panic).

After I muffle my laughing because that is just such a typical thing for him to do, I asked him why he did it and he said because he wanted me to stop reading. So glad to see he uses his words!

Of course as soon as I stopped reading he told me to read it again. I just thought I’d share, because I remembered it and started laughing again at work.

Love,

E

This would be why we only hire babysitters who have a twisted sense of humor. That way, we know they’ll fit right in.

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