1. If your son decides to eat some fruit, make sure he doesn’t leave 1/4 of a watermelon sitting out where your puppy can eat it…rind and all.

2. When you are driving a car to Chicago that is on loan from a very nice company (Hi Chevy!) you may want to make sure you know where the windshield wipers are before you go driving in the rain.

3. And, when removing a very heavy, rear seat from said car, make sure you don’t let it swing down and hit you in the ovary.

4. The summer breeze through the screen door isn’t quite as bug-free if your five month old, 50 pound puppy goes right through it to get to the mailman.

5. Ironing on a humid day is not fun.

6. No matter how prepared you are for a trip out of town to meet a thousand people, you will never be prepared for the zit you’ll get. In your eyebrow.

7. If you think the Vietnamese people at the nail salon are talking about you, that’s because they are.

8. No matter how crazy your kids make you and no matter how much they fight, when they are not home the silence will be deafening and you’ll miss them a lot.

9. When you are on a sugar-free diet and there is homemade wine in your refrigerator, it’s pretty much torture.

10. No really. Ironing totally stinks.

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These are my meds. Don’t harass me and ask you to give you good stuff, because I don’t have anything like that.

These are my prescriptions for asthma, insomnia, migraines, sinus problems, womanly stuff (is too a medical condition) and anxiety. You try having a kid who almost died twice and see if you’re not a little anxious. Hearing words like “bacteria” or “swine flu” send me into a complete tizzy (is too a real thing).

My son actually tried to outdo me once. This was his collection during one of those aforementioned near death experiences. He is always trying to compete with me! That boy is such a one-upper. I have no idea where he gets it.

I have tried to go without my medications. I’m currently on a no-sugar diet to help control my headaches, I have tried St. John’s Wort and Melatonin for insomnia, and my mom once put me on mega-doses of vitamin C to try to ease my breathing problems. FYI…if you try mega-doses of vitamin C, be prepared for your colon to hate you.

Though if you’re colon does end up hating you, I think I have something for that.

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This is me in the morning. You screamed, didn’t you? Because of my insomnia, I’m both a night-owl and an early bird. You would look bad too.

Note the oily skin, black circles under my eyes and the surly expression which stays until I’ve had a cup of coffee. Thank you, God, for electricity and for whoever had the idea to grind up coffee beans and run hot water over them.

Ironically, back in the 80’s I tried to get my hair to look like this…only with bigger bangs. Thank you, God, for curling irons, teasing combs and Aqua Net.

Tell me boys and girls, do you get up early or stay up late. Or, if you’re a sorry sucker like me, both?

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A week from tomorrow I am leaving town to attend a conference in Chicago. I have a scholarship that pays for my conference pass, and I didn’t think my 11 year old car would make the six hour drive, so Chevy is sending me a 2009 Tahoe. Then one of my roommates went and won a prize from Johnson and Johnson and is paying for our room. If I were Napoleon Dynamite this would be the equivalent of shocks and pegs. I am “Lucky!” Were it not for my my bar bill, this trip would be free.

One of my roommates is flying in from Oklahoma and I already know two of my roommates from a very ill-fated meet-up last year. But, because I spent most of that night in tears, hiding in the bathroom and fielding calls from the ER, I don’t feel like they really know me at all.

I thought I would dedicate a few posts to the three of them. It’s a little something to help them see who they’ll be singing karaoke with.

First of all, I am an insomniac. I have a horrible time sleeping because I lie awake thinking about things like a fellow blogger’s son who is in the hospital, or the fact that I just told my roommates that I would sing with them when I am actually completely tone deaf. I used to take Ambien, until I got addicted to it, but I was able to convince my doctor to give me a few pills to help me get through this trip.

Only problem? It makes me hallucinate in between taking it and actually falling asleep. Night before last, I went on Twitter during that time period…you know, because I had to test the Ambien. (Mom, Twitter is a social network where you can tell people what you’re doing in 140 characters or less. You can check it out…if you ever get a computer.)

So roomies, here are some of the things you’re in for. I give you my Ambien tweets…

Where I talk to my husband about a deer that I never saw – Am telling my husband the story about the deer from the other day that I TOTALLY remember. He says, “None of it happened”. Foiled by Ambien!!

I nod off, the first time – MomoFaliStarted typing a blog post, fell asleep and woke up to a screen full of “b’s”. Hai Ambien!

I hallucinate, the first time – Let’s just say there’s some Kung Fu Panda up in here…and the movie isn’t even on.

I nod off a second time – Just tried to send an 1133 character update (it was blank, as I fell asleep with my hand on the space bar). Twitter is so picky!

I hallucinate a second time and misspell the name of the most famous ship…ever – There’s some Kung Fu Panda/Titantic stuff going on in my house and my daughter keeps talking about swim lessons (but she’s really in bed).

I make up names for far away lands – A place called Ambeinland would have streets paved in silver and all the chocolate and beer you can eat. And, comfy pillows.

I finally come to my senses – And spekaing of comofy pillows. Goodnight.

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