1. Art Garfunkel.
2. Seeing dog hair on my floor.
3. My son’s aim in the bathroom.
4. The fact that the laundry never stops.
5. Holiday shopping on December 1st and seeing the store has been ransacked and stock is depleted.
6. Heartburn.
7. Dry hands.
8. Bills.
9. Cold weather.
10. Thinking it was Wednesday and it was only Tuesday.
11. Realizing that even though I’m halfway through, this is going to be a very long week.
Sometimes, in the middle of doing something completely mundane, I will think to myself that there are so many things that I have not yet taught my children. Most recently, while preparing dinner, I thought about how my daughter should know that you only use Wondra flour to make gravy.
These are the things I forget to mention during the hustle and bustle of everyday life. They may not be as important as reading and writing, but you know…people will judge you on your gravy. Trust me.
It’s other things too. Little things. Like the fact that vinegar is the one and only thing you should use to clean glass, or that at least once in your life you should watch a sunrise.
My daughter should know that you can put toothpaste on your zits before you go to bed and you’ll wake up with clearer skin. I need to tell her that she should always wear cotton underwear and never a thong, which I have also heard referred to as a bacterial superhighway. Go ahead, use your imagination.
My son needs to be taught to always let women through a door first and be seated first, and that the gender and age of the other passengers plays a part in when he should exit an elevator.
They need to know that hard work builds character, that nothing is free and that there are a whole lot of people in the world who don’t believe either of those things. Oh, and if you put feminine hygiene powder in your shoes, it will take the feet smell away and if you wait until your spouse goes to bed, he or she will never know that you put Vagisil in their boots.
I want them to understand that there are certain things on which you don’t skimp, such as toilet paper, paper towels and car tires. Their first tool should be a hammer, followed closely by an electric screwdriver, their first car should be a very large piece of junk and their first kiss should be with someone who really likes them and respects them.
They need to know that nothing will hurt as much as their first broken heart, that All in the Family is a great TV show and that they must always floss their teeth.
More than anything, I want them to know that it’s okay to take risks, but they should never, ever be reckless.
Especially with gravy.
I had planned on writing a lovely, little Thanksgiving post today. Something to say that, despite the constant drama in my life, I am very thankful for a wonderful family, a good husband, (mostly) happy kids, (fairly) good health and for you. For the readers who support me and leave me witty and insightful comments when I need them most.
But, just now, I went to make my crust for the pumpkin pie and after I added all the ingredients to my food processor the motor blew up.
So instead of writing that lovely, little post…I’m going straight for the wine bottle.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Here’s hoping your appliances don’t bust.
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