I cried real tears when my first pair of favorite jeans got an irreparable hole in an unfortunate spot. Ahem. There are only so many places you can put a patch.

There have been a lot of favorite jeans since that first pair and each time I must part with the buttery-soft denim and their perfect fit, my heart breaks a little. The loss of something familiar, even after it has become unrecognizable, torn and ratty, is not easy for me to do. I have no desire to forego comfort for something shinier.

I like being comfortable. I like flannel shirts and furry socks. I like snuggling. Everyone likes to be comfortable, right? Not necessarily.

Some people need to feel itchy in their skin. They need constant movement, exploring unknowns, and excitement. And, while I am looking forward to new adventures, I still prefer them with a heavy side of fireplace, old movie, dogs at my feet, and a pot pie in my belly.

Unknowns make me feel tormented, scared, and a little bit crazy. I don’t like getting new cars, I hate the idea of moving, or the kind of exhilaration people get when they buy new things. I like the feel of old jeans, worn and broken-in in all the right places.

Irreparable holes be damned.

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Luna’s favorite place, other than the middle of the couch, is the rug in our kitchen. It’s also where she does most of her head-tilting.

This is like trumpet practice, but different. She gets extremely cute at 12 seconds. And, it’s only 13 seconds long.

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It’s been over four years since I added items to my Life List. FOUR YEARS. That’s just sad.

Life List 1-10

Life List 11-20

I revisited numbers 1-20 today and can actually cross off #8 – Paint a picture. Yay, me! Also, I’m closing in on #18 – Sample 100 types of beer. There is only one that I would remove from the original list. Let’s just say I must have really been craving chocolate that day.

I just posted about numbers 3, 4 and 5 yesterday, so clearly those are still in the top five and I registered for my first half-marathon today and that’s number 2. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Some of the things will probably never be accomplished, but a girl can dream. That’s the beauty of a Life List. It’s time to make some additions and progress! Let’s get to work, shall we?

21. Learn to play guitar. I can’t sing, though, so I’m not pretending I’ll be like Joni Mitchell. I’m attracted to the soothing strum of the strings.

22. Go on a winter campout. I don’t even like winter, but this has always appealed to me. Maybe because of all the forced snuggling.

23. Hike in Zion National Park. Pictures never do the locale justice, but every picture of this place is so gorgeous, I can’t imagine what it must look like in person.

24. Learn to golf.

25. Participate in an adventure race. Something over 24 hours long. Not in the jungle, or anything, but one that tests the mind as much as the body.

26. Learn to paddleboard. Then practice over some clear, blue, ocean water.

27. Visit the Vatican and attend mass at St. Peter’s Basilica. That place is, like, the Catholic mothership.

28. Float in the Dead Sea.

29. Sit in a natural hot spring. Preferably in a cold place, because hot springs in Mexico don’t sound very appealing.

30. Take a photography class. So I can take beautiful pictures of my adventures.

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I currently have the urge to do adventurous things, which is not a place I have considered being for a long, long time. In fact, I’ve been scared to do much of anything, but sometimes you come to a point where you feel you have nothing to lose.

There are certain adventures I’ve always wanted to go on. My dream is to drive across the country in an RV, end up at the Grand Canyon and canoe down the Colorado River, camping along its banks each night. That’s a pricey trip, though; I’ve looked into it. So, first I need to hit the lottery.

I’ve wanted to hike in Zion National Park, stand under redwood trees, and take a helicopter trip above an active volcano (also pricey; we looked into it).

But, more often than not, I take the safe route. Don’t get me wrong, if there’s lightning I’m taking cover, and I won’t scuba dive or jump out of an airplane – though, maybe those things will come with time. For now, I’m taking baby steps to face my fears.

This morning, I got up at 4:15am to go for a run in the dark. I never would’ve considered that before. Ever. Sure, it’s more stupid than it is adventurous, but there’s a fine line between them anyway. Fortunately, there was snow on the ground so I climbed back into bed.

Maybe it’s my age, my kids’ ages or because I’ve had to come to terms with losing myself to find myself again. I feel like I’ve been asleep for a very long time.

What’s next? I don’t know. What I do know is that I want my heart to race from something other than anxiety.

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