No, not that kind of coming out! If there is anything to be gleaned from watching Josh Duhamel movies, it is that I am completely heterosexual. Okay, that’s probably the only thing to be gleaned from watching Josh Duhamel movies. I digress.

Almost a year ago, I had some routine blood-work done that showed my “bad” cholesterol was in the 260’s. For all of you 20-something readers, that’s high. Also, it’s been nice having you read my blog.

Truth be told, I was eating horribly; lots of fried, high-fat food and hardly any fruits or vegetables. I thought I could bring the numbers down by changing my diet. When my doctor asked, “What are we going to do about this cholesterol?”

I said, “I’m going to lose some weight!”

I don’t know if you know this, but you can’t just say, “I’m going to lose some weight” and have the weight come off. I’m sorry to break that to you. As a matter of fact, if you take a full-time job that has you sitting at your desk for long hours and working a lot of overtime, you will actually gain weight. Yep. It’s true.

Starting last September I really did try to change my diet, and in January I started working out about six times per week. I was making real changes, because the cancer in my family lit a fire under my patootie. I’m 40 now. I use words like “cholesterol” in blog posts. It was time.

When I went back to my doctor for a blood test in early February, I was sure these changes would be reflected in my numbers. Were they ever! My cholesterol went UP to nearly 290. It was awesome to hear that; almost as awesome as jumping off a two-story building and landing on your kneecaps.

My doctor said, “You’re building plaque as we sit here” and gave me two options; either take a statin drug every day, for the rest of my life, or drastically (and without moderation) alter my diet. When I asked him what that meant he said, “You’d have to go vegan.”

As in, no more butter. Ever.

It took me exactly two seconds to agree to try it. I have long said that I could easily be a vegetarian and when I pictured what was happening inside my body, the change was easy. Have I craved a nice, cheesy pizza? Yes. Is the cheesy pizza worth heart disease? No. I also know it isn’t good to drink alcohol while taking statins and if you ask me whether I’d rather give up animal products or beer, well…it’s not really a question at all.

I’m 11 weeks in to this lifestyle change and if my numbers are low enough after my next blood test, I can go off the prescription. Also, if that happens you’ll see me walking around with my arms in the air, like Rocky, for about a week. I’ll be the one yelling, “I WIN!”

Of course, not everyone has to take such drastic measures; I’m just lucky like that. I made my family cheeseburgers last night. Tonight, they’re having pork roast; tomorrow, barbecued chicken. You get the idea.

I, however, eat a lot of this:

So there, I’ve come out with it. Unless I’m miraculously approved to once again become a carnivore, you can refer to me as a vegan. Or, Rocky. Either one.

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I went to the gym this morning to get weighed and measured by my trainer. Let me just say that I am the type of person who gets easily thrown off of the fitness course when I don’t see results.

Although I have made a serious commitment (mentally and financially) to getting healthy now that I’ve reached middle-age, I was still afraid that a lack of weight loss would interfere with my motivation. It doesn’t take a lot for me to throw up my hands and say, “Well, I tried! Let’s go get a beer.”

For the past six weeks I have been working out five or six days a week; thirty minutes of intense weight training and thirty minutes of cardio, every time I go. I haven’t felt this good in years. But, back to those results that could send me straight to a plate of nachos…

The scale? Well, it wasn’t pretty. I have only lost a few pounds and have a lot more to go. Like fifty more. Yeah, if that doesn’t make you want to eat a bag of M&M’s, I don’t know what will.

However, I have lost seven inches. SEVEN INCHES. Three of those were off of my waist. I’ll take that news all day long! *puts M&M’s back on the store shelf*

It’s a small success, but it’s enough to keep me motivated. I’m going to keep on keepin’ on. It’s part of my new, “If I’m able, I will” mentality.

And, for my friends who say they can’t go to the gym because they don’t look good enough, or it’s too intimidating; I say, “Pffft!” This is a picture of me after my workout on Tuesday. I didn’t pour water all over myself; that’s sweat, and lots of it. If I can go to the gym looking like this, so can you.

Though, you may want to invest in some activewear with wicking fabric first. Just sayin’.

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On the heels of my How Not to Make a Dog Vomit post, I thought I’d go with another “how-to.” This pretty much means I’m an expert…in everything.

My husband and I recently splurged for the cost of a personal trainer. First of all, it’s not as expensive to hire a trainer in Ohio as it is in more metropolitan areas and secondly, I figure the money we spend on it will save us in doctor bills later.

Other than the cost, I can’t say anything negative about this experience thus far. Even the pain feels great. I know I’m getting stronger because of it and the self-torture reminds me that maybe I don’t really want that cookie (oh, okay…or those four beers) (who am I kidding? those eight beers). If there’s been one thing that I have been able to lift while overweight and out of shape, it’s a Corona Light bottle to my mouth.

Without further ado, here are my tips on how to find a personal trainer who’s right for you:

1. Ask for recommendations. Or, better yet, when your friend gets a trainer and promptly loses 20 pounds, follow her to the gym and find out who she’s working with. Try not to get arrested for stalking.

2. Get someone who is flexible. I’m not talking about time or their yoga positions, but rather personality. My husband likes to be pushed around and told he’s weak when he’s working out. I prefer more positive reinforcement. Like, “Gee, your face is really red. It looks like a rose.”

3. Choose a trainer who is strong; the kind who can catch you and your flab when your size 11 feet catch the edge of a step that you’re supposed to be jumping onto, but instead you go flailing and almost break your face. Hypothetically.

4. Preferably, get someone who doesn’t know the word, “Plank.”

5. Also, “Plyometrics.”

6. Your trainer is going to see you at your worst, in order to make you look and feel your best. Don’t hire someone with whom you’ll feel embarrassed. There will be a lot of sweating and, quite possibly, blood, tears and vomit. You have to be able to put your shame aside. Did I mention that you get weighed and measured? Yeah, that.

7. Make sure your PT is bigger than you, so that when you want to punch him in the neck for almost killing you, you’ll think twice about it.

8. Before you sign a contract, find out if your trainer minds the use of bad language and insults; the kind that will come flying out of your mouth like you’re Regan from The Exorcist. Also, he needs to understand that it’s a form of apology when you say, “I know I said I hate you, but you MADE me say it!”

9. Get someone who won’t let you cheat by dropping your knee during a plank or doing half-squats when you should be going low. Actually, this means getting someone who won’t walk away or turn his back for a second.

10. And lastly, choose a trainer who you don’t think will punish you for writing blog posts about them.

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Some of you may remember that one of the items on my Life List is to run a 1/2 marathon. I had wanted to run the one here next weekend, but it turns out that I got my dream job working for a company who kept me very busy during the summer months. Training for a 1/2 in August and September was out of the question.

Once things settled down at work, my husband announced that he would help me meet my goal. He looked right past the fact that I had been sitting for, virtually, months and hadn’t even thought about increasing my heart rate since the spring. He said that if we start now, I should be able to run a 1/2 marathon by May. I still have my doubts.

My suggestion for anyone who wants to get their body in motion after a long sabbatical? Insist that a friend or your spouse kick you out of the house and make you start running. Also, have them tell you that you’re doing great and that you’ll look better with a smaller butt. It needs to be a person to whom you can say that you simultaneously love and hate them for what they’re doing.

If you’re overweight and out of shape, like me, it won’t be easy, but you can do it! I have even put some tips together for you as you pound the pavement. If you are a gym rat, you can skip this section.

1. Running in the rain is great. It keeps you cool and the trail is virtually empty. The fewer people to see you huffing and puffing.

2. Never trust a fart.

3. If you look gross in compression pants, add shorts over them. Though, keep in mind, this will not stop the shorts from riding up and you’ll look gross anyway…maybe even more so, as you pull fabric from your nether regions.

4. If you tend to get winded, run with a dog. They have to poop sometimes and you’ll get a little break.

5. Take ibuprofen as soon as you get home.

6. Your running route should go past a fire station. There are defibrillators there.

7. Walk and catch your breath when there’s no one around. Sprint when you pass the soccer fields filled with hundreds of people.

8. Don’t let your inhaler prescription expire. Trust me.

9. Invest in good shoes. In the right size. If you wear an 11, admit you wear an 11 and that you are really an evil-stepsister and not Cinderella.

10. Look at pictures of your in-shape friends on Facebook before you head out for your run. Curse them with each step.

Keep it up, no matter what! With a little luck and a lot of work, you will be able to run a whole 8/10th of a mile, just like me!

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