I finally got a new phone yesterday.

As much as it pained me to give up my Blackberry, I was growing tired of having to remove the battery and reinstall it every time I wanted to check my email.  Plus, on Saturday I got out of the car with my hands full and dropped it on the driveway.  Then I stepped on it.  I wear a size 11 shoe.  Enough said.

After spending over two hours at the phone store yesterday, my husband and I left with brand new Droids.  On a related note:  If anyone wants to help me set up my four email accounts, there’s a doughnut in it for you.

Our kids had been more than patient while we were choosing phones and getting things changed over.  As a reward, we decided to let our son have one of the old Blackberries, so he could still play games and take pictures.

I thought he would be more interested in Hangman, but he started snapping pictures left and right.  Inside the car, in the driveway, photos of the dog’s tail, my shoes, his football.  You name it, he took a picture of it.

But it wasn’t long before I realized he isn’t so much a photographer as he is a typical boy, because when I was reading my new phone manual I looked up to see him taking pictures of his own butt.

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First of all, this is not my ear.  If you have been a long-time reader here, you know that.  Because along with my Dad’s “big bones” I inherited his gigantic earlobes.

Ironically, the last time I mentioned my ears was for the post I did about a pimple.  That post was just going to be about my pimple, but when I uploaded the picture and saw my earlobe, I felt I should acknowledge that I am aware that I look like an 80 year old…man.

So if you’ve been around here for more than a couple of years, you would know that isn’t my ear.  If you were me, however, you would know that isn’t my ear because there isn’t a mass growing out of it.

Right now, I have a pimple  here…

Only, it’s not that small.  And, there’s no white center.  And, it’s eighteen layers underneath my skin.  And, I wear glasses.  And, it’s HUGE.  And, it hurts.  You can’t really even call it a pimple.  It’s a growth.

My mom looked at it, my sister looked at it and I even made my 12 year old daughter look at it.  “Gah-ROSS, Mom!  Is that a tumor?” I wanted someone to stick a needle in my ear or Van Gogh the thing…you know, to make it feel better.  But, there is nowhere to shove a needle.  There is nothing to lance.  My ear is throbbing and everything is blurry because I can’t wear my glasses.

It’s a shame that the only part of my body that still looks like a teenager is my acne.

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From the new, pediatrician-approved, lactose-tolerant, unicorn-inducing book Let’s Panic About Babies!:

WHAT IF MY BABY ISN’T SMART, CUTE, STRONG, OR FUNNY?

Maybe she’ll be really good at:

• Inspiring people with her courage to persevere
• Putting stamps on things
• Pointing out rainbows
• Hugs
• Writing fake parenting books

Thank goodness my friends and fellow-bloggers, Alice and Eden fit into those categories!  Yes, all of them!  Oh, okay.  They are strong.  I have seen Eden deadlift a podium.

Alice and Eden took that strength (and courage to persevere) and wrote a book chock-full of advice for the expectant mother and new mother, alike.  There are even some fun facts thrown in for Daddy.  Like how to backpedal after you say, “How come I don’t have any clean socks?”

Their topics of discussion range from “Smells, sights, sounds and ideas that might induce nausea in the first trimester” (though, for the life of the Lebanese in me, I can’t imagine why they put Danny Thomas on this list) (also, they fail to mention that these things will continue to make you sick for years to come and is why I can no longer listen to Dave Matthews CD’s).

To, what to do “When your child acts out in the produce aisle”.  Pretend she’s not yours!

Here’s the thing about parenthood; there are many opportunities to laugh (or else you’d cry).  This book helps you realize that the thoughts you have aren’t yours alone.  All new mothers are lunatics.  Bonus?  You can blame the hormones.

And, guess what?  I’m not just going to tell you about the book.  I’m going to give a lucky reader a book too! No, not that book.  This book!

Just leave a comment on this post before March 11th at noon, EST to be entered.

Your baby will thank you. But, not until after the teen years.

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1.  You know how they say that everything is bigger in Texas?  They’re liars.  This is but one, tiny section of the most massive hotel I have ever seen.  Really.  Ever.

2.  Everyone from the south is just as sweet as pie.

3.  Which is probably because of the weather.

4.  Or, the whiskey.

5.  When you put hundreds of women together in one space, there is bound to be some crying.

6.  Add said whiskey, and there will be some massive meltdowns y’all.

7.  Old friends become your enemies when they keep you out too late and make you have so much fun that the next morning (really, the same morning) it will feel like your brain is oozing out of your right ear.

8.  And, there are razorblades under your eyelids.

9.  But, vendors handing out ice cream in the exhibit hall make it all better.

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