After a lot of occupational therapy to get over some serious sensory issues, my six year old son is no longer afraid to touch anyone. He’s also not real shy about it. When his sister started playing soccer and softball a few years ago, I would take him to practices where he would approach any Mom who paid him any mind and would begin rubbing her legs or arms. Not to mention, he would inevitably try to rub her chest as well.

Thanks to some good fortune, last week our family got a Wii. What does a Wii have to do with chest rubbing? Well, I’ll get to that.

Aside from the fact that we warned the kids not to hurt themselves while playing their new video games…okay, that was after I pulled a shoulder muscle while bowling…we also told them never to touch buttons if they don’t know what they mean. Because, so help me, if someone wipes out my Guitar Hero standings and I have to start over, it’s not going to be pretty.

So, back to the chest rubbing…

Tonight, when I was folding laundry, my son saw one of my bras and asked, “Mom, is this for boobies?”

I replied, “Yes. Yes, it is.”

Then, I realized we stressed being careful with the Wii a little too hard when he said, “And, I never, ever, ever touch private parts like boobies…and I never, ever press reset on the Wii either.”

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What would you do if you were really trying to raise your children to be kind, respectful, compassionate human beings, and your six year old son sees two Muslim women at the doctor’s office with head scarves, then he mistakes those head scarves for bandannas…and calls them both pirates?

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I take humor very seriously. To me, there is little doubt about its benefits. Laughter is good for you.

My Dad is, hands down, the funniest person I have ever known. It doesn’t matter what you say to him, he will come back at you with one of his many bizarre, and often hilarious, catch phrases.

For instance, if you ask him what time it is, he will reply, “Time for all dogs to die, don’t you feel sick?” He doesn’t say he’s going to get a haircut, but instead he’s “going to get his ears lowered”. And, if you ask him to do something when he’s lounging in a chair his reply will be, “I’m awful busy”.

Imagine Steve Carell’s character on The Office saying, “That’s what she said”, but multiply it times infinity. My Dad has tons of these trademark lines. He has so many quotes, that he keeps them numbered “for emergencies”.

On my wedding video, he lifted his glass to toast me and his new son-in-law and said, “Here’s looking up your old address.” And when I was a kid, and I would start to get on his nerves he would say, “Go call your Mother and tell her she wants you.” But, if I was being unusually bad he would say, “Knock it off or I’m going to cloud up and rain all over you.”

More than a few of these have stuck. I find myself uttering his lines.

At my former job I heard some quotes which I continue to use such as, “It’s so cold outside, you could snap an ear off”. And, instead of saying, “Give me a break”, one of my co-workers used to say, “Peel me a grape”. I find myself saying that every day.

Not long ago a girl I know used the line, “Hot damn in can”, and now I say it too. Another thing I say quite often is, “For crying in a sink”. My husband’s family says, “For crying in a pop bottle”.

But, my most frequent quote? Well, it makes me sound like I’m Jed Clampett. When something goes wrong I always say, “Dag-nabbit”.

If I ever want to have a library as large as my Dad’s I have a lot of work to do. So, I need your help. Boys and girls, I’m curious…what is your favorite phrase?

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When I was a kid I wanted to be a surgeon. I thought the inner workings of the human body were fascinating and couldn’t get enough of those PBS shows that brought operating tables into my family room. When they would hint at graphic images ahead and everyone else would turn away, I would glue myself to the screen.

Turns out, though, that you actually have to be a pretty good student if you choose that line of work. My elementary school report cards, which were all spotted with remarks like, “shares with her neighbors” and “doesn’t stay on task”, weren’t going to get me into medical school. It seems I was more suited to be a gossip columnist.

But as a parent, I have a chance to right what I did wrong. I have made it clear to my third-grade daughter that she needs to apply herself now, if she wants to be successful later.

We were recently discussing this and I asked her, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

She shrugged.

Given her love of animals and her near obsession with dogs, I suggested she should become a veterinarian.

She shook her head and said, “I don’t want to be a veterinarian! They can’t eat meat!“

Apparently, someone wasn’t staying on task during health and nutrition class.

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