Much to my husband’s chagrin, I am a Twitter addict. I love to curl up on the couch with my laptop after the kids have gone to bed and read what everyone is doing in 140 characters or less. I don’t know why I like it, but I do.

Another great mystery is why I like to go on Twitter after I take my Ambien. Some people sleep-eat, some people make phone calls, I even know someone who took their dog to the dog park and lost him because she was on Ambien. I feel the need to say it wasn’t me. Anyway, some people do crazy things on that medicine. I just send tweets.

Last night, after my girly part surgery, I went on Twitter on Dilaudid (also know as Hydromorphone). I did NOT take Dilaudid AND Ambien, because then I would be dead.

Here, for your enjoyment, are a few of my Dilaudid tweets…

I’m on Dilaudid,daf; everylook lop;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

@secretagentmama But I’m halluciantiaon in my liviner oom and I’ve having fn. I jusst saw a buffalo

I have to pee and I hoptea I don’t fall asleep in there like I did earlign.

I dind’dt fall saleep in the bathroom PROGRSSS! Now, eating blueberyy bread and I ckind of what to marry kit.

I thought my hsubnad was hust bringing me wi-ne. I was like, “Wahtewa are you CRAWZZAZZZYY?” His handmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm was empty.

I feel asleep on “hand”.

I just said to my husband athat I vfeel like everything I’m telling you is from a dream.. He said, “That’s ture.” I’m really confursted.

@secretagentmama duid you just calle me Jar Jar Binks? Because I think you called me Jar Jar Binks, when clearly I am Yoda.

My head is like a bobble toy right now=============================

That’s not the window!

just asked my husbna if the guy on TV is named, “Major” and he said, “No, it’s Rex”. Dude I was THAT close.

Thank goodness, I’m no longer in pain. Though you can still look forward to the Ambien tweets. I live for your amusement, or as I told a friend earlier…I’m here to confurst you.

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Later today, I will be having some minor, outpatient surgery on my girly parts. Just because it’s minor, doesn’t mean I’m not nervous.

I have only had surgery three times in my life. Two of the three were c-sections, for which I stayed awake and the third was for my wisdom teeth. That is the only time I have ever been put under sedation. I’m not going to lie. I liked it.

But, I was only 19 years old then and delving into blackness was kind of cool. Now, I’m more than twice that age…and I can tell you for certain that today’s surgery won’t hurt nearly as much as typing that did.

Given that my eight year old son has had a lot more experience on the operating table, I asked him for some advice. We were counting his I.V. scars last night when I said, “I’ll be getting an I.V. tomorrow and I’m not sure, but I might have to use a mask to go to sleep too.”

At this point, I thought he might tell me what to expect. At the very least, I imagined he would tell me not to worry.

Instead he said, “I sure hope the hospital has big masks, because you have a big head.”

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My 76 year old mom is well known for her mispronunciation.

But, I think she topped herself today when she called my niece’s car a “Vulva“.

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My eleven year old daughter is leaving today for a week at camp. Oh, sorry. My eleven-and-a-half year old daughter, because if you don’t add the ‘half’ then you will get an eye roll. And, sometimes, a hair flip.

I went to this same camp in the sixth grade and had so much fun that, as the school bus pulled away from the cabins on the last day, I looked out the back window and cried as the lyrics to Dan Fogelberg’s “Longer” danced in my head. The whole scene was like a bad, after-school special.

I know my daughter is going to have a great time. She is going to make new friends, have experiences she will remember forever and, so help me, none of those experiences had better include boys or someone is going to get hurt.

But, knowing she is going to have a fabulous week doesn’t mean I’m going to miss her any less. She has been to overnight camp before, but never for a week. Sure, there will be less arguing and we won’t run out of milk as quickly, but not kissing her forehead before she goes to bed each night is kind of going to make my heart hurt.

Of course, I knew she would feel the same way. Which was almost evident when I asked, “Are you going to miss us?”

And she replied, “Nope.”

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