1. If you work in a school kitchen and introduce your seven year old son to some of the delivery people, you may find him telling the milkman all about his lactose intolerance.

2. When your husband quits his job and the next day he tears his calf muscle and needs an MRI and a walking boot and physical therapy, then two weeks later your son gets an ear infection, and a few days after that you get a sinus infection that requires five antibiotic pills that cost $178.00, you may find out that your husband’s former employer didn’t give him any grace period and instead canceled his health insurance the DAY HE LEFT.

3. And you may find yourself wanting to tell everyone you know what a horrible, greedy, downright nasty company for which your husband used to work.

4. Then you may consider using your blog for evil purposes.

5. Twitter and Facebook too.

6. If you spend months considering whether or not to have your hair shortened, and you finally muster the guts to have five inches cut off, it’s possible no one will notice.

7. Except for your husband.

8. And he knew you were going to get your hair cut.

9. If your family gets Super Mario Bros. for the Wii, you may find it brings about some extra-special, family bonding time.

10. Or, maybe everyone will just yell at each other a lot.

11. The DVR is the best invention ever, especially when you’re using it to fast forward through American Idol.

12. But, then you might get spoiled and think you can fast forward through your laundry.

13. And then you will be sorely disappointed.

Follow

Email

1. If, over the holidays, you ate your weight in peanut butter blossoms and chocolate nut clusters, you may want to consider that it’s time for a diet.

2. If you decide on a low-carb diet then, by all means, make sure you work in a place where homemade apple crisp is made so that you can test your willpower when you smell it.

3. And you see it.

4. And you watch 200 kids eating it.

5. If your low-carb diet allows you to eat certain carbs, like Grape Nuts and Shredded Wheat, they will taste like the best treat you’ve ever had.

6. Then you may find yourself going through a lot of Grape Nuts.

7. And toilet paper.

8. You may think that bread baked without flour is the worst thing you’ve ever tasted.

9. Until you try milled flax seed and soy hot cereal.

10. Even if you add a lot of cinnamon.

11. And Splenda.

12. If you are at the grocery store you might find yourself standing in the frozen food section seriously considering the purchase of low-carb ice cream.

13. But, then the rational part of you will realize that you’ll end up eating nothing but ice cream.

14. Then you may find yourself going home and being thankful that your pants feel just a little more loose.

15. And you’ll celebrate.

16. With a bowl of Grape Nuts.

Follow

Email

1. You know you’ve seen a lot of snow when the meteorologists are predicting six to nine more inches and you think, “Please. That’s nothing but a dusting.”

2. Winter storm warnings take on a whole new meaning when there are icicles as tall as your children hanging from your gutters and trees.

3. You may forget about those icicles until you’re grabbing the morning paper and you open the front door only to have a dozen of them fall on your head.

4. No matter how many times you go to the grocery store, if it’s a snow day you will suddenly be out of bread and milk.

5. And, beer.

6. If your one year old puppy enjoys chewing on ice cubes, she will really enjoy eating the huge, filthy chunks of ice that fall off of cars as they drive down your street.

7. If you have two children and a husband who walks three miles every morning, there will be so many wet clothes that your dryer will work overtime.

8. So will your mop.

9. There are not enough movies, or games, or jigsaw puzzles to get kids through two weeks of snow storms.

10. Which means there is not enough patience to get a frazzled mom through them either.

Follow

Email

1. If you once had a dog who ate a dead bat and you had to pull a string of wet, possibly-rabid bat out of her throat, you may think, “I have never seen anything so disgusting in my life.”

2. When that same dog gets older and decides she likes to roll in other dog’s poop and you find yourself giving her a bath and she does the wet dog shake and soaped-up poop goes flying all over your bathroom, you will realize you were wrong about the bat being disgusting.

3. And, 15 years later when you get a new puppy and see that she likes to roll in dead animals you may find yourself thinking, “If that’s the worst thing she rolls in, things will be okay, because remember that one dog…who liked to roll in dog poop…”

4. Then on a day much like this past Saturday, your new puppy may roll around in horse poop and you’ll think, “Well, it certainly can’t get any worse than this.”

5. But, it’s possible that on the same day, after she’s been bathed and sanitized, that puppy might suddenly decide she likes Mexican food and eat an entire bowl of salsa.

6. Which means you might stay up all night waiting for the explosive salsa-diarrhea you know will come.

7. But, it doesn’t.

8. And you’ll realize you stayed up all night for nothing.

9. Until the puppy throws up and it smells exactly like…horse poop.

10. And you may find yourself thinking, “Seriously? Why couldn’t it smell like salsa?”

Follow

Email