1. Amazon is awesome because they will have all of the last minute gifts you need and ship them to you for free!

2. Very sneaky, Amazon (said in the voice of the boy in the Connect Four commercial from 1981). Because a lot of your free-shipping items have bumped-up base prices.

3. Bath and Body Works scents are lovely on their own.

4. Bath and Body Works stores are instant headache-givers because they cause nostril overload.

5. The line at Dick’s Sporting Goods on a Monday afternoon, one week before Christmas, will rival any Black Friday line you’ve ever seen.

6. Dick’s Sporting Goods will be the only place that has the item you need. *shakes fist at major sportswear company*

7. Target, you’re a jerk.

8. Okay, not really. We love you. (But, just once, I would like to get away from your check-out counters without having spent $75 when all I really wanted was a roll of paper towels. Your nail polish is very strategically placed. I’m on to you.)

9. Whole Foods is a very dangerous place to walk into with a credit card.

10. It’s never too early in the day for rum and egg nog. And you should go ahead and give your husband a double before you tell him you went to Whole Foods.

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After four days without electricity, we are back in business! Well, except for the massive piles of laundry waiting to be done, the dog-hair-covered rugs which are in dire need of vacuuming, the sink full of dishes, and tree branches everywhere. Oh, okay, TREES everywhere. I am still without wifi, so I’m spending a fortune buying French fries at a restaurant where I can use their free internet. My random realizations:

1. The power always goes out right after you get home from the grocery store.
2. It’s kind of cool when you think of how it will bring everyone closer together…for about five minutes.
3. You might have seven flashlights, but you can’t find one when you need it.
4. You will finally find a use for your mason jars!

5. People DO NOT know how to use a four-way stop.
6. Bathing by candlelight is romantic, unless it’s 95 degrees, in which case it’s just sweat-inducing no matter how cold the water is.
7. When 500,000 people are without electricity all hell breaks loose at the gas stations.
8. And at generator stores.
9. Ice, ironically, is a hot commodity.
10. You will leave the sprinkler running for hours so that everyone can cool off, but you will forget to water your flowers.
11. Friends are great to have when you feel like you have nothing except the permanent splotch of sweat on the back of your neck.
12. There is never enough beer.

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1. If you see that the wind has blown leaves over every square inch of your yard, it will rain before you have a chance to bag them.

2. When you go for a run and your Albuterol canister is empty, your asthma attack might seem a lot worse than normal.

3. Because it is.

4. Out of desperation, you might drink a beer to calm yourself down.

5. Well, half a beer. Then use the other half to make beer-can chicken on your grill!

6. You’re efficient like that.

7. When you’ve been on your feet, cleaning, making dinner and doing laundry for hours and you finally sit down with everything you need within reach (cell phone, home phone, laptop, steno pad, pen, glasses and books…see efficient statement, above) you might spill a cup of water on half of it.

8. When you’re 40, you will find hair growing out of places you never did before. Like your chin, and your neck and your ears.

9. You also might find that running three miles, three times a week for over a month, results in a three pound weight GAIN.

10. Which may make you want to burn the Halloween candy.

11. Right after you eat that Twix bar.

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1. If a friend wins a memory foam mattress on an adjustable base (think Craftmatic commercials without the elderly people) and GIVES it to you, you may think it’s so incredible that you insist that your friends and family sit on it when they come to visit.

2. Then you may take delight in putting the head AND the feet up to their highest point and watch your friends get smashed in the middle.

3. When you weigh more than you have since your last pregnancy and you just sprained your foot, then your husband says, “We’re starting 1/2 marathon training on Monday”, there may be an audible GULP as that news sinks in.

4. But, not as big as the gulp that was heard when you stood on the scale.

5. No matter how often you bathe your stinky dog, you can’t completely eliminate the stank.

6. And, no matter how often your nine year old son takes a shower, he will still have dirty feet.

7. There should be a 12 step program for House Hunters addicts. Mostly, so that people like me can stop yelling at the home buyers when they pick out the worst house. Never mind that cracked foundation! There’s a linen closet! Sold!

8. Don’t even get me started on House Hunters International, where your pantry has to share space with your stand-up shower and the stacked washer/dryer, and your youngest child…and her guinea pig. We can see the beach! Sold!

9. Sometimes clocks don’t display the correct time. This will make you late. You’re welcome.

10. Your husband may think he’s doing a good job of using clean language in front of your kids, but when your nine year old tells his therapist that he “can tie his shoes, but they look pretty jacked up”, it may be time to reconsider the words you are using as substitutes.

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