Our dog had a pretty rough day at the veterinarian’s office yesterday, so last night I climbed down on the floor to pet her and make her suffer through some of my puppy talk.

When I got up, I noticed something stuck to my sock.

Thank goodness that sticky eyeball wasn’t attached to my other foot, because then I’d have to show you my sock with holes, AND I’d have to tell you that they’re the socks I “borrowed” from an Aunt. See? Those faint lines near the hole are part of her name. It was written across the sock in case she misplaced them at her retirement home.

There’s no doubt about it…my husband is a lucky man.

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The last time my husband and I went out for a “date night”, things didn’t start off so well. Within a few minutes of leaving the house, he made a comment, at which I kiddingly snapped a retort. A sarcastic bit of back-talk, if I must be honest. But, let’s get something straight…my husband is the king of sarcasm, so it wasn’t anything he’s not used to dishing out himself.

But, since the two of us don’t get out much together anymore, he said, “Just for tonight, let’s not talk like that. Let’s pretend we’ve been dating for two weeks.”

I agreed.

And, after an evening of talking and laughing like we used to, we learned a very valuable lesson. It’s really not easy to be that nice.

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Last week, Oprah had a show on Freeganism. Freegans embrace an alternative lifestyle that is part Vegan, part dumpster diver. I’m all for scaling back, but these folks take things to a new level.

According to Freegan.info, “Freeganism is a total boycott of an economic system where the profit motive has eclipsed ethical considerations and where massively complex systems of productions ensure that all the products we buy will have detrimental impacts most of which we may never even consider”.

Confused? I am. If you ask me, that just sounds like gobbledygook.

So, let me break it down for you. Freegans believe that mass consumption is unethical, harmful, and just plain wrong. They live an all-around, minimalist lifestyle.

And, speaking of gobbledygook, this way of life includes going through other people’s garbage to collect things Freegans still find useful. Oprah showed us that this can be anything from eggs and fruit to furniture.

This is Madeline. Madeline was interviewed by reporter, Lisa Ling, while she made a dinner made from food which had come out of the trash. Though, Lisa didn’t eat because she had just stopped her SUV at a fast food restaurant and consumed a high-fat, processed meat-burger in a styrofoam box. Either that, or she wasn’t in the mood for eggplant with a side of shoelaces.

This is Daniel. Oprah introduced us to him and his wife. They are a doctor and an engineer..so they should know better. Daniel once retrieved an Ab-Roller that someone threw away. There’s a reason you found it in the garbage, Daniel. He and his wife frequently go through dumpsters and pull out food they feel is salvageable. Luckily, having a doctor in the family means they have easy access to antibiotics.

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I have a problem. The hem on my daughter’s school uniform has come undone and it needs sewn, but I don’t know how to do it. As a matter of fact, I recently gave my sewing machine to my in-laws because they will actually use it. Poor thing sat in my closet for 10 years without being touched. My husband bought me that machine with much wishful thinking, but I never even learned how to thread it.

But, sewing isn’t the only task I do miserably. It is just one of many reasons why I make a lousy housewife…

I am a rotten cook, my husband frequently runs out of clean underwear because I haven’t done the laundry, and the kitchen sink is often overflowing with dishes.

The most I can seem to run a sweeper is twice a week, when it should really be done every day. My dog sheds so much that I am constantly telling the children not to sit on the floor. I keep a lint brush handy, so their teachers won’t think I make them sleep on top of the dog’s bed, in their school clothes.

There is dust covered furniture with dust-bunnies underneath…and you don’t want to know what I find when a ball rolls under the oven and I have to pull it away from the wall.

The basement is cluttered with things I plan on putting out for a garage sale…the one I’ve been meaning to have for three years now. The floors need mopped, the curtains need washed, toys need disinfected, and the cabinets need scrubbed. I REALLY could go on and on.

But, I am good at some things…

I’ve read Barney books so often that I have them memorized, and I can whoop some butt at Candyland, PayDay, Chutes & Ladders and Sorry.

I have the patience to spend an entire Saturday afternoon putting together a jigsaw puzzle with two kids, and I wait for, what seems like eons, while my five year old says his prayers each night.

I can give a kid a good bath in two minutes flat, undo knotted shoelaces and necklaces in record speed, pack a lunch faster than a speeding bullet, and I always get my kids to school on time.

I manage to keep files from work, school papers, homework, committee documents, insurance forms and therapy instructions in order. And, I can be enthusiastic while watching magic tricks and shows put on by a five and nine year old. Over, and over, and over…

I can give a haircut to a squirming kid, floss the back teeth of a child with a severe gag reflex, and thanks to a “failure to thrive” diagnosis, I, along with my husband, managed without much sleep in order to feed our boy every three hours, round the clock, for 13 months straight.

I can heal boo-boos with a kiss, make up stories and songs to sooth a tired child, once danced around the lab at the hospital to distract my son while his blood was drawn, and have somehow mustered the strength to watch him get taken to surgery time after time.

So there. My daughter’s hem is out and I need someone else to sew it. I’m no domestic goddess, and I’m not a Super-Parent either, but I think I make a halfway decent Mom.

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