Dear NukeDad,

I thought I’d make sure you don’t want to back out of our little wager. You know, the one where you write a groveling post after Ohio State beats Texas tonight in the Fiesta Bowl.

Just in case you haven’t heard of him, this is James Laurinaitis. He’s going to do some ball stripping, intercepting, serious tackling, and maybe a little sacking. He’s a nice guy, so he won’t pop any one’s head off, but he could if he wanted to.

Actually, you may remember him from scenes like this…

Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Momo

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Just like last year, U.S. News and World Report has released their list of ways to improve your life in the new year. Here are a few of their suggestions and what I think of them.

1. Drink screw-topped wines.
Already taken care of. I recently cut my hand when I tried to open a screw-top with a corkscrew. Really. You just have to unscrew them. It’s amazing.

2. Try that home before buying.
It’s possible the current owners won’t appreciate it, but they’ll do anything to sell their house that is worth $20,000 less than the price for which it was purchased. Make yourself at home.

3. Get a new toothbrush.
If you only do this yearly, you better make it a good one. Pick up some floss while you’re at it.

4. Get paid for good health.
With my asthma, insomnia and migraines, I can probably get a whole quarter.

5. Study philosophy.
Will do. Right after I see the forest for the trees.

6. Start using Twitter.
Now we’re talking.

7. Finish a crossword puzzle.
Thank goodness this isn’t plural and thank goodness they give you a whole year to get it done.

8. Plant a square-foot garden.
You won’t net much fruit, but you can still call yourself a gardener.

9. Add obstacles to your jog.
Just run down the middle of the street. Or, if you prefer a trail you can jump over other joggers.

10. Play a fake musical instrument.
I’m even going to spring for fake piano lessons for my kids. I’m generous like that.

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On yesterday’s Oprah, ABC’s John Quiñones discussed What Would You Do?, which is his latest social experiment airing on Primetime…formerly known as Primetime Live. Also, formerly known as an interesting show. In this experiment, hidden cameras are used to see how people react when put into volatile situations.

In the first segment, we saw a group of female actors in a park. One of the girls was being bullied by the other three. The hidden camera was used to see if anyone would stop and help the victim.

The mean girls used labels like “nerd”, “loser”, and other niceties. Many women stopped and scolded the girls for their lousy behavior and made sure the victim was okay. Most men did nothing. Though in their defense, when women are talking, men don’t really listen. Unless that woman is Erin Andrews.

In the second experiment, an actor behind the counter of a bakery in Texas tells an actor dressed as a Muslim woman to take her business elsewhere. In this case, the cameras are there to see if anyone will criticize the “clerk” for his blatant discrimination.

Most customers ignore the situation, even when the clerk tells the woman to “get back on your camel and go back to where you came from”. Which is the point where I would have left the store, driven down the road to a cattle ranch, picked up a longhorn, then gone back to the bakery and kindly asked that bigot to bend over.

This lady with the sideways glance is Kiley. Kiley didn’t know there were hidden cameras watching her, as she watched her best friend’s boyfriend in a restaurant with another woman. You got that? Read it again. Here, let me help. Kiley’s best friend is Mary Ellen, and Mary Ellen’s boyfriend, David, was flirting with a woman who was not Mary Ellen. The other woman? You guessed it, she’s an actor.

Kiley was set up to see if she would confess what she witnessed. She did. She nervously told Mary Ellen that she saw David holding hands and kissing another woman. And to prove she’s the kind of friend every woman should have, Kiley then reached in her purse and offered Mary Ellen a Xanax.

After reading this, I wish I had some to offer you.

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The other day someone left me this comment, most likely after seeing this picture of me…

“Hey- I have never spoken with you or heard your voice, but I was watching Jerry McGuire and when Bonnie Hunt was on screen she seemed “familiar”- who does she remind me of? I thought- YOU. From the few small profile pics and your funny stories, I have created you to be like her in my head- please tell me you speak with a Chicago dialect!”

Not Chicago, but I am from the Midwest. Does that count? But, I have heard the Bonnie Hunt thing before. Except she’s cuter, funnier, and smarter.

When I was in junior high school I had short, permed hair. At the time, there was a little known actress named Meg Ryan starring on “As the World Turns” and lots of people told me I looked like her. Now, however, she resembles Michael Jackson and I would not take that as a compliment.

In high school, when my hair grew long and straight, I was often compared to Marcia “Oh, my nose!” Brady.

And, in my 20’s when “Mad About You” was on television, there were some folks who said I resembled Helen Hunt. Personally, I think it’s just because we both have gigantic foreheads.

As for celebrity look-a-likes, if you took that gigantic forehead, and threw in John Mayer’s crooked smile…

…and the hairy monsters that are Brooke Shields’ eyebrows…

…and Paris Hilton’s wonky eye…

…and Jamie Farr’s nose…

…then you would have an accurate comparison to me. Tell me boys and girls, who do you resemble?

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