If you are getting ready to go out of town to a conference and will be in three different hotel rooms over a course of three nights and you’re an anxiety-ridden-worrier-insomniac who is freaking out about packing and bed bugs and making lists of instructions for home, make sure that the following happens in the two weeks before you leave…

1. Your mom moves…again.

2. You paint the interior of your mom’s new house.

3. Your mom has surgery.

4. You schedule surgery for yourself.

5. Your dog grows some weird lump on her chest and it keeps getting bigger by the day.

6. Your daughter goes to camp for a week.

7. Your best friend’s grandmother dies (not that you actually do anything for her, like make her family dinner or send a card.)

8. Your son starts behavior therapy.

9. Your son gets what you think is a urinary tract infection, but after a doctor visit and a pee sample you find out it’s a too-much-soap-in-his-bath-infection, but he gets a prescription for antibiotics anyway, because he’s that kind of kid.

10. You get chosen to have your writing honored at a gala reception.

11. You struggle to find something to wear to said reception.

12. You make sure to get your Ambien refilled.

13. You still don’t sleep.

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A couple of days ago, I sat down with my husband and kids to watch an Oprah rerun featuring Dr. Oz. He was discussing the diabetes epidemic in America.

I wanted my 11 year old daughter to see the show, because she loves food that is horrible for her. If I let allowed it, she would eat doughnuts for breakfast, bologna on white bread for lunch and chicken nuggets for dinner. With extra dipping sauce.

I don’t let her. I buy plenty of fruits and vegetables, whole wheat bread and pasta and she is not allowed to drink soda unless it’s a special occasion or if she sneaks one at a friend’s house. Don’t think you’re fooling me, girl. She is in the 50th percentile for height and weight. She is healthy. For now.

I wanted her to see that, given the opportunity, she needs to make her own good decisions about nutrition. I don’t want her to end up like me. I can’t even keep sweets in the house because I have no self-control. If only I was as obsessed with laundry as I am with sugar. No one would ever run out of underwear.

My eight year old son loves all food. My mom can’t believe it. Really, it’s like a grandparents dream come true. He never asks what’s for dinner, he just sits down and starts eating everything on his plate. He weighs 42 pounds, so I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to bulk up.

My boy craves pine-nut hummus and red peppers. He eats blueberries and raw veggies like they’re going to stop harvesting them. Given his congenital heart disease, this is a good thing.

At the risk of losing readers who are also PETA members, I will admit that I have long said that I would be a vegetarian if someone else did all the food prep. All that washing and cutting…ugh.

Although I think I could survive without meat, you can’t deny that it is awfully easy to make chicken. Boiled chicken, grilled chicken, baked chicken, rotisserie chicken hot and ready for consumption on the end-cap of my local grocery store…

I don’t think my son would complain if I put him on a vegetarian diet either. Of course, he enjoys chocolate too. He’s a lot like his mother.

Which can only mean one thing.

Someday, he is really going to like beer.

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Exactly three weeks from right now I will be on my way to New York City. By myself. On a train.

I will have nine hours to do as I like. I can listen to music, get a drink from the dining car and write. I can even read a book without interruption. Gasp!

Maybe the clickety-clacking will sing me to sleep. Though, I hear the scenery is beautiful on this trip. I may not want to miss it.

I am thrilled for the opportunity to travel through small towns and end up in one of the biggest cities in the world. From the mid-west to the east coast. From apple orchards to the Big…well, you get the idea.

As much as I would love to share this ride with my family (my son would likely explode due to overwhelming joy) I am excited to have an extended amount of time to decompress and relax. I picture myself leaning against the window and watching the hills roll by. Sigh…

And, so help me, if there is a talker sitting next to me I’m going to have to throw them off the train.

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1. When it’s almost 100 degrees and your son wants to walk around wearing nothing but underwear all day, you might just let him.

2. And, you might join him.

3. Which can be awkward when the Fed Ex guy rings your doorbell.

4. The row of zits across your hairline caused by perpetual sweat beads will try hard to outdo the mosquito bite on your forehead.

5. Then you may find yourself wishing you still had bangs.

6. Two panting dogs can make a real mess.

7. It’s possible to drink 10 glasses of ice water in a day and still feel like there is sand in your mouth.

8. When it’s time to leave your son’s baseball game and you see everyone stand up and do a little shimmy, you may think they’re dancing.

9. But, they’re really just trying to dry out their crotches.

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