If you haven’t been watching the Olympics, it’s time to climb out from under your rock. Let’s catch up, shall we?

The opening ceremony in Beijing was, simply put, visually stunning. Unless you happened to be on narcotic pain killers for a migraine headache, in which case it was quite scary.

The audience was filled with world leaders and dignitaries, including our very own President George W. Bush, who appeared hot around the collar. It’s possible it was the temperature. But, it was more likely the lead paint from his “red phone”, which was ironically Made in China.

Here, he trades in that red phone for his finger phone and tells Russian Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin to, “Call me”.

This is swimmer, Michael Phelps. He strikes this pose A LOT. Because he can. He currently holds three gold medals with more on the way. On day three, he and his teammates took it upon themselves to smash some Frenchies. Merci beaucoup, Mr. Phelps. Merci beaucoup.

If you haven’t watched synchronized diving, don’t start. You will be enthralled by the smoothness, the timing, and the skill, only to find out something was completely off.

A fraction of a twist here, a slight over extension there. All noted while the divers are flipping and speeding through the air. Here you can clearly see why the USA didn’t earn a medal. What? You don’t see it? Note the toe curl. No medal for you!

Currently, China and the United States are neck and neck in the overall standings. If you want to give a shout out to the underdog, you’ll need to cheer for Uzbekistan. Because if your country was somewhere between Kyrgyzstan and Tajikistan, you’d need people to cheer for you too…medals or not. No offense to the former Soviet Bloc. Just sayin’.

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Yesterday, Oprah hosted Tom Cruise as they celebrated his 25 years in the film industry. It’s hard to believe, considering he looks like he’s fourteen. In the absence of couch-jumping, they discussed how perfect his life is.

After he surprised a fan in the audience, it was time for the tables to be turned. Tom’s Hollywood buddies surprised him by making video clips to congratulate him on his career.

First, Will and Jada talked about how “real” Tom is. Only, they didn’t call him Tom, they called him T.C., and those are not accurate initials, because Tom’s “real” last name is Mapother. That makes him kind of real…like pleather.

Then, Jada explained how her hair had been chopped of in a bad weed-whacking accident.

Next, the audience saw Renee Zellweger’s greeting. She told us how Tom was born with some kind of “magic”. Black magic.

And in an uncanny twist, Renee declared her hair had also been chopped off by a weed-whacker.

A video clip from David and Victoria Beckham revealed that when David opens his mouth to talk, he’s not as cute as you thought he was. Mr. Rogers called, he wants his cardigan back.

Becks explained that he enjoys being Tom’s friend because they like to play a game called Guess Which Wife is Yours.

After the show, Tom called the audience glib then went back to his perfect life.

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Last week, Oprah had a show on Freeganism. Freegans embrace an alternative lifestyle that is part Vegan, part dumpster diver. I’m all for scaling back, but these folks take things to a new level.

According to Freegan.info, “Freeganism is a total boycott of an economic system where the profit motive has eclipsed ethical considerations and where massively complex systems of productions ensure that all the products we buy will have detrimental impacts most of which we may never even consider”.

Confused? I am. If you ask me, that just sounds like gobbledygook.

So, let me break it down for you. Freegans believe that mass consumption is unethical, harmful, and just plain wrong. They live an all-around, minimalist lifestyle.

And, speaking of gobbledygook, this way of life includes going through other people’s garbage to collect things Freegans still find useful. Oprah showed us that this can be anything from eggs and fruit to furniture.

This is Madeline. Madeline was interviewed by reporter, Lisa Ling, while she made a dinner made from food which had come out of the trash. Though, Lisa didn’t eat because she had just stopped her SUV at a fast food restaurant and consumed a high-fat, processed meat-burger in a styrofoam box. Either that, or she wasn’t in the mood for eggplant with a side of shoelaces.

This is Daniel. Oprah introduced us to him and his wife. They are a doctor and an engineer..so they should know better. Daniel once retrieved an Ab-Roller that someone threw away. There’s a reason you found it in the garbage, Daniel. He and his wife frequently go through dumpsters and pull out food they feel is salvageable. Luckily, having a doctor in the family means they have easy access to antibiotics.

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On yesterday’s Oprah, Dr. Mehmet Oz and Dr. Michael Roizin made an appearance to tell us we are doing things all wrong, and that our bodies are paying the price. If my body is paying a price, it’s forked out a good $1 million.

First, the doctors pulled some nice ladies out of the audience who had given information regarding their diet, exercise and lifestyle.

After that, Dr. Oz showed us how to do a pull-up. But really, who doesn’t know how to do a pull-up? I can do not even one like 20 of them.

Then Dr. Oz and Dr. Oprah gave very clear instructions on vitamin intake, because 99% of people don’t get enough of them. Follow closely…

* Take a calcium supplement, but not unless you take it along with magnesium. Calcium alone will constipate you…or as Oprah said, “It’s like having a child”.

* You also need DHA type Omega 3. But, if you can’t find that, you could substitute it with LRS type Alpha 2, or even BZN type Kappa Theta Delta Delta Delta.

* Take vitamin D in case you don’t get enough sun. This includes the entire state of Ohio, October through May.

* If you are over the age of 40, take two baby aspirin. I find these are particularly beneficial if taken with a margarita.

* Split your multi vitamins in half. Take one in the morning, one in the evening and one after watching Dr. Oz on Oprah.

* But there’s more… pre-menopausal women need iron in their multi-vitamin, and no more than 5000 IU of vitamin A. IU stands for International Unit and is completely different than Domestic Unit. Confused? Just wait. Men and post-menopausal women, do not need the iron and shouldn’t get any more than 2500 IU of vitamin A.

They did not give instructions for post-menopausal MEN, because that’s a whole different Oprah show.

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