Have you ever been on the phone with the resolution department of your health insurance company for the fifth time in five days, and you are trying to explain how your husband’s former company left you high and dry, without insurance for 33 days, which is the same 33 days in which your husband tore his calf muscle, you had a sinus infection, your son had an ear infection and your daughter got $406 worth of immunizations, and while you’re on the phone your son starts crying because he doesn’t understand his math homework, and your daughter keeps tapping you on the shoulder no matter how many times you put your finger in the air to signify that she needs to wait a minute and she ignores you and keeps asking, “Can I have some grapes?”, and then the dog starts throwing up and you look in the other room to see your husband sitting on the couch playing the Wii?

Yeah. Me too.

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1. When spring rolls around with her warm breezes and gentle rain, and the air outside is rich with the scent of lilacs, my old house starts to smell like wet dog and rotten wood.

2. When school softball, summer softball, track, baseball, going away parties, graduation parties and weddings all start to overlap, I begin to think I should increase my dosage of Zoloft.

3. Throw in a spring musical and it’s time to get my Ambien refilled too.

4. But, taking Ambien makes me get on Twitter and say things like this: ‘There is missional impossible musci blarking behind my head and it makes me want to put on black leggies and snaek around nmy houser’.

5. And, this: ‘Now t here ‘s a baby crying and it’s making my ovaries hurt. If I start lactating, that will just be weired’.

6. Then people named AmbienRehab start following me on Twitter.

7. My family likes to spend time playing the Wii together, but Super Mario Bros. was invented by someone with a sick and twisted view of family togetherness.

8. My son jumps around on his Hippity-Hop so much that he looks like he has a permanent, blue hemorrhoid.

9. If you go to a wine tasting and the Sommelier starts talking about “shoulders” in your wine, you may think you drank too much.

10. And, if your husband hasn’t had dinner and attends the same wine tasting, he may eat half a cheeseball made of Jarlsberg cheese.

11. So when next year’s invitation doesn’t arrive, we shouldn’t be all that surprised.

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My husband’s birthday was Tuesday. One of his favorite meals is beef stroganoff made from a family recipe. It’s the same stroganoff he ate when he was growing up and since he’s creeping up on 40, I thought it best to try and make him feel like a kid again. Also, does anyone else feel that I’m aging myself by talking about stroganoff? Oh good, everyone then.

After work on Tuesday, I managed to straighten up the house, wrap presents and make dinner. My husband got off work early so he could celebrate with the kids before an evening meeting and once 6:00 pm rolled around, the whole family was hungry and the table was set for a nice, family meal.

Until my son sat down, saw my creation and said, “Ew! Throw up!”

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American Idol is one of the few shows we watch as a family. My son loves giving the singers a “thumbs up” or a “thumbs down” and my daughter likes it when Joe Jonas shows up.

But, ever since my husband called this contestant Clark Kent, I can’t see the forest for the trees.

Which is to say…I can’t get past her face to hear her voice.

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