I spent a little bit of time tidying up our yard this weekend. This mostly involved spending money that we don’t have on a new patio umbrella and hanging baskets to dot the flowerbeds.

In my defense, when we purchased our last umbrella I think we were drunk, because it’s mesh. Mesh. You may not know this, but mesh doesn’t do a good job of blocking out the sun. Now you know. You’re welcome.

My husband also spent some time putting up his new golf net. Though we live in the city and don’t have a huge yard, our former neighbor had a simple, pop-up, golf net that he was able to use in the small spot of grass behind his house. This is what I was expecting.

Instead, I looked out the window to see my husband and the kids with poles and banners and realized this wasn’t anything simple.

Or, little.

At least it partially hides the unpainted fence.

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So it has come to this.

That is my microwave with a rock glued to it.

Last week the door wouldn’t open and we were all, “What are we going to do with all of these bags of popcorn if we can’t open the microwave door?” We started using a screwdriver to pry the door open, but a screwdriver on your kitchen counter is not all that aesthetically appealing; unless, of course, it’s made of vodka and orange juice.

I thought maybe it was time to start scouring Craigslist or looking at scratch-and-dents at the local Sears outlet (because that’s how I roll), but my husband had other ideas. He went all Harry Home-Repairman on me and took it upon himself to…well…glue a rock to the door. When you hit the DOOR OPEN button and pull on the rock, I must admit, the door opens pretty well.

In his defense, he thought the rock would look nice. And, I happen to think the glue that was left to drip down adds a nice touch.

But, truth be told, I keep thinking about how I could hide a screwdriver when company comes over.

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The other day, me, my friend Bean and our two families were talking about getting together. We were going to go to Bean’s house.

She said, “If you come over, you need to know that my house is a mess. There is clutter everywhere.”

I assured her, that I completely understood, but I don’t think she believed me. I’m here to tell her that she’s not alone. Here’s why…

This is my dining room table. Also, you should know that we recently ATE at this table while this massive pile sat with us. I had to do a two-armed swoop to push everything to one side, because the only other place to sit is our breakfast nook and that space doesn’t look any better.

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

1. Lots of socks, because my husband has started doing the laundry and he won’t cart them around like I do. Now, they include one baseball and one softball sock from the games that were played IN JULY.

2. Two first aid kits.

3. Golf balls in a Santa bag.

4. Two mini water bottles.

5. Last week’s clean laundry; some thrown over chairs, some folded, but for goodness sake, NOT PUT AWAY.

6. A coverless book called Magic Eye II.

7. Buried under the book is a stuffed reindeer named Comet.

8. Buried under all of it is a homework assignment. Lucky, for us, it was from three weeks ago.

9. And, the white thing that looks like a tablecloth, is actually the table pad from Thanksgiving dinner.

Stay tuned for next time, when I make Bean feel even better about her house when I post a picture of my kitchen counter!

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So, you know how you pick up your son from Cub Scouts and he’s crying because he’s so hungry (because God love his amazing Scout co-leader, but she’s a busy mom and she left the bag of snacks, in a bag, ON HER DRIVEWAY), but that’s okay because you were proactive and ordered a pizza while you were waiting for your son, but on the way to the pizza place he’s saying, “My stomach HURTS BAD, because I’m starving”, and then you get to the pizza place and pull out your credit card and they say, “Oh, we only take cash or checks”, and you have to drag your hungry kid back to the car and then to the bank, and when you restart your 14 year old car at the pizza place for the SECOND time it starts making a hissing sound, and doing this lurching thing, so you call your husband, but he’s busy with the repair guy who is looking at your chimney because it’s so water damaged that it’s getting ready to collapse onto your roof and when you finally get home, you find out the quote to fix it is $7000?

Yeah, me too.

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