I have been going to the same hair salon for many years. I LOVE my hair salon. I love my stylist, the atmosphere, the service and the fact that kids aren’t allowed unless they have an appointment. It has been my little oasis.

However, it’s not ideal. Sometimes it’s hard to get in, it’s a 20 minute drive from my house and it’s not cheap. And, that whole not allowing kids thing? It means that getting an appointment is even more difficult because I have to coordinate it with my husband’s schedule.

So last week, I walked into the little salon at the end of my street to check it out. Not only does this place allow you to bring your kids, but they’ll turn on a TV show for them. It’s also $30 cheaper than my regular place. Did I mention it’s at the end of my street? Exactly a two minute walk from my front door?

Convenience + Lower Price = “Who Wants to Give Momo Some Highlights?”

Because I was a new customer, the guy took care to make sure the color was right. He used three different shades, then gave me a haircut and waxed my unibrow. I was there for three hours.

When you’re sitting in a stylist’s chair for the better part of an afternoon, you do a lot of talking. When I got home, I realized that the poor guy probably thinks my name isn’t Momo, but rather Liar McLiarson. Why? Because these are a few of the things I told him:

1. That I had just got over swine flu and pneumonia, and that my doctor thought I had a pulmonary embolism.

2. That my son almost died from a strep pneumo infection.

3. That my son almost died after one of his surgeries.

4. That my mom was born in Honolulu and used to go to school barefoot and shimmy up trees to get away from wild boars.

5. That my mom was playing marbles outside a church when Pearl Harbor was bombed and saw fighter planes flying overhead. Then one of them crashed down the street.

6. That my daughter weighed 2 1/2 pounds when she was born.

7. That I used to have a high-pressure career and now I work as a lunch lady because my son sometimes chokes when he eats and I might need to perform the Heimlich.

8. That my husband and I went to Florida for a vacation, where we were greeted with temperatures in the 40’s. Then it took us four hours to drive 90 miles and we were rear-ended by a semi.

9. That I’m scared of cats because my neighbor’s cat used to stand on its hind legs and swat at me while hissing. Then it would attack me.

10. That I grew seven inches in nine months and ended up with stretch marks on my thighs when I was 12 years old.

Hopefully he thinks the chemicals soaked through my scalp and just made me seem crazy.

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These are my meds. Don’t harass me and ask you to give you good stuff, because I don’t have anything like that.

These are my prescriptions for asthma, insomnia, migraines, sinus problems, womanly stuff (is too a medical condition) and anxiety. You try having a kid who almost died twice and see if you’re not a little anxious. Hearing words like “bacteria” or “swine flu” send me into a complete tizzy (is too a real thing).

My son actually tried to outdo me once. This was his collection during one of those aforementioned near death experiences. He is always trying to compete with me! That boy is such a one-upper. I have no idea where he gets it.

I have tried to go without my medications. I’m currently on a no-sugar diet to help control my headaches, I have tried St. John’s Wort and Melatonin for insomnia, and my mom once put me on mega-doses of vitamin C to try to ease my breathing problems. FYI…if you try mega-doses of vitamin C, be prepared for your colon to hate you.

Though if you’re colon does end up hating you, I think I have something for that.

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This is me in the morning. You screamed, didn’t you? Because of my insomnia, I’m both a night-owl and an early bird. You would look bad too.

Note the oily skin, black circles under my eyes and the surly expression which stays until I’ve had a cup of coffee. Thank you, God, for electricity and for whoever had the idea to grind up coffee beans and run hot water over them.

Ironically, back in the 80’s I tried to get my hair to look like this…only with bigger bangs. Thank you, God, for curling irons, teasing combs and Aqua Net.

Tell me boys and girls, do you get up early or stay up late. Or, if you’re a sorry sucker like me, both?

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A week from tomorrow I am leaving town to attend a conference in Chicago. I have a scholarship that pays for my conference pass, and I didn’t think my 11 year old car would make the six hour drive, so Chevy is sending me a 2009 Tahoe. Then one of my roommates went and won a prize from Johnson and Johnson and is paying for our room. If I were Napoleon Dynamite this would be the equivalent of shocks and pegs. I am “Lucky!” Were it not for my my bar bill, this trip would be free.

One of my roommates is flying in from Oklahoma and I already know two of my roommates from a very ill-fated meet-up last year. But, because I spent most of that night in tears, hiding in the bathroom and fielding calls from the ER, I don’t feel like they really know me at all.

I thought I would dedicate a few posts to the three of them. It’s a little something to help them see who they’ll be singing karaoke with.

First of all, I am an insomniac. I have a horrible time sleeping because I lie awake thinking about things like a fellow blogger’s son who is in the hospital, or the fact that I just told my roommates that I would sing with them when I am actually completely tone deaf. I used to take Ambien, until I got addicted to it, but I was able to convince my doctor to give me a few pills to help me get through this trip.

Only problem? It makes me hallucinate in between taking it and actually falling asleep. Night before last, I went on Twitter during that time period…you know, because I had to test the Ambien. (Mom, Twitter is a social network where you can tell people what you’re doing in 140 characters or less. You can check it out…if you ever get a computer.)

So roomies, here are some of the things you’re in for. I give you my Ambien tweets…

Where I talk to my husband about a deer that I never saw – Am telling my husband the story about the deer from the other day that I TOTALLY remember. He says, “None of it happened”. Foiled by Ambien!!

I nod off, the first time – MomoFaliStarted typing a blog post, fell asleep and woke up to a screen full of “b’s”. Hai Ambien!

I hallucinate, the first time – Let’s just say there’s some Kung Fu Panda up in here…and the movie isn’t even on.

I nod off a second time – Just tried to send an 1133 character update (it was blank, as I fell asleep with my hand on the space bar). Twitter is so picky!

I hallucinate a second time and misspell the name of the most famous ship…ever – There’s some Kung Fu Panda/Titantic stuff going on in my house and my daughter keeps talking about swim lessons (but she’s really in bed).

I make up names for far away lands – A place called Ambeinland would have streets paved in silver and all the chocolate and beer you can eat. And, comfy pillows.

I finally come to my senses – And spekaing of comofy pillows. Goodnight.

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