Right around Christmas, my five year old son suddenly became fascinated with death. It started when we were talking about his grandparents and he asked where their parents were. I explained that those were his great-grandparents, and that they had all died and are in heaven now. When he asked why they died, I didn’t want to say some of them had been sick, since we often say we’re sick. So I told him that they died because they were old.

So, it shouldn’t have been any surprise when he pointed at an elderly woman a few days ago and said, “You died! You have white hair and that means you’re old. You died!”

But she was hard of hearing and just gave him a big smile, and now he thinks he’s cheering up retirees by telling them they’ve passed away.

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I just finished reading the latest copy of U.S. News & World Report. This is simply one indication of my age. Not only do I read it, I subscribe to it. I am old.

The cover story in this latest issue is 50 Ways to Improve Your Life in 2008. Here are a few of their suggestions…and what I think of them.

1. Try open water swimming.
Just a few days ago, I read about Vibrio Vulnificus, a bacteria found in salt water which can invade any open sore on your body and lead to amputations and death. Open water swimming? I think not.

2. Cut back on corn.
Had they said this would improve the life of my sewer line, I might have bought it.

3. Waltz your way to better fitness.
And where exactly will I find someone to waltz with? Unless Tony Romo was his dancing partner, my husband would rather stick hot needles in his eyes.

4. Give a healthcare giftcard.
This seems nothing more than a slap in the face. “Hi. You seem old, sick and frail and I doubt you’ll be around to blow the candles out on your cake next year. Here’s a little something to help pay those doctor bills. Oh, and happy birthday!”

5. Read an international newspaper.
I have a hard enough time reading what the American media has to say, do I really need to cross a border for more of the same?

6. Get a raise.
Oh! Okay! Just like that.

7. Avoid recalls. Make your own toys.
Ingesting lead would hurt my children less than the toys I would make.

8. Avoid air travel delays.
Getting that raise would be easier.

9. Knit like a hipster.
What does that even mean? What am I supposed to knit? A peace symbol? A poem? A beatnik afghan?

10. Yawn.
Done.

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At last night’s Hanna Montana/Miley Cyrus concert there was an opening act called The Jonas Brothers. They are a trio of modern-day, slightly-punkish-yet-Donny Osmondesque, teen boys, who were met with ear-piercing screams from 15,000 girls. That’s one thing that will never change. Whether it’s Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley, The Beatles, or for crying out loud…even Leif Garrett…there will always be screaming girls.

But, one thing was very different. Because, as The Jonas Brothers gathered together to sing a slow song, they didn’t ask the audience to pull out our lighters and hold them up in the air. They asked us to pull out our cell phones.

Instead of flickering flames courtesy of Bic, the arena was filled with dim, blue light courtesy of Verizon.

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