I woke up early this morning and thought (because it’s all-consuming right now) about this move to a new home. This time it wasn’t the sentimentality that hit me – I’ve come to terms with the fact that we’re leaving our house of 17 years and it doesn’t matter where we are, as long as we are together we will make it a home. That’s sappier than a pine tree, but true.

And, it wasn’t about the work going on in the house – we’ve finished tearing out carpet, landscaping, a good friend installed a new shower, the painters are almost finished, new floors will be down by the end of the week – I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It was about karma and how, as Justin Timberlake so eloquently says, “What goes around comes back around.” I love it when he gets philosophical.

I’d like to say that when I was young I was the picture of manners and kindness, but as kids can be, I was occasionally mean. I didn’t say things to anyone’s face, but I did make fun of a few peers behind their backs. I still feel guilty about it 30+ years later. Kids, what you say to other people affects YOU, too. I was a jerk so you don’t have to be.

One of the fellow students I used to talk about was a boy who sat across from me in 7th grade art class. I made fun of him because he growled at me. Now, I have a son who growls, barks, chirps, flaps, and sometimes exhales so loudly that it sounds like there couldn’t be ONE BIT of air remaining in his lungs. That right there? Karma.

Then in high school, I gossiped about a girl who I thought was overly dramatic. I am now a blogger, so I’m pretty sure that covers the karma department, but last night my husband and I made a very overpriced offer on her current home. When I wrong someone, I pay them back in the 10s of thousands.

So, this morning as I thought of how things feel right and are falling into place because they are supposed to, I heard my husband yelling from the hall bath. I ran in to find one of the kids had clogged the toilet during the night and it was overflowing. There was an inch of water on the bathroom floor and I suddenly heard a familiar dripping sound in the kitchen downstairs.

I ran down to find water pouring through the FRESHLY PRIMED AND PAINTED kitchen ceiling. Never mind the soaking wet counter, cabinets, floor, appliances and cell phone, but the ceiling! I never did anything bad to someone’s kitchen ceiling! What kind of fresh karma is this?

Now that things are cleaned up and I’m bracing myself for the painter’s reaction, I’m wondering what will be coming back to me for the filthy cuss words that were flying from my mouth when I looked up and saw that ceiling. Because suddenly I’m thinking that a bird pooping squarely on my tongue is not going to be out of the question.

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Has it been a week since I last posted? Wow. Time flies when you’re freaking out.

Let’s review the last seven days, shall we?

* It was really, really hot. Like, go out and water the flowers at 7:30am and come back in looking like you ran through the sprinkler, but it’s-really-just-sweat-hot. I killed four plants last week. Two of mine and two of my neighbor’s. My daughter and I were even tag-teaming the neighbor’s flowers and we still killed them. Call us to watch your house!

* I drank a lot of STRAW-BER-ITAS. Have you had one? Full disclosure: They are a BlogHer ’13 sponsor, but that’s not why I’m telling you how good they are. They’re just really good. So, I drank a lot of them. The end.

yo’. I’ll see you again soon.

* I can’t remember the last time I did the dishes. It’s good to have a 14 year old.

* I went to the doctor for my numb hand and got, what I thought was a steroid shot, but it was in fact Ketamine (an anesthetic). I slept pretty well that night. NOW, I’m on steroids. And, my hand is still numb and I’m kind of raging, but my cheeks are rosy!

* Out of desperation for happy conference feet, I bought a pair of Birkenstocks from Zappos. I’m happy they have free returns.

* My in-laws visited. I love them. A friend of mine lost both of her in-laws in a car accident last week. I can’t imagine the depth of that loss.

* I normally drink apple cider vinegar every day, but lately I’ve just been eating sea-salt and vinegar potato chips instead. To recap, the diet is STRAW-BER-ITAS, potato chips, and steroids.

* My daughter is so competitive that in order to break a record on one of the rides at the church festival (in which you ride in a cage and build momentum to flip over the top) she came home on Friday with the biggest blisters I’ve ever seen. About 17 of them. On Saturday, I did what any good mom would do and taped up her hands ala Rocky so she could take another shot.

* I leave for Chicago in two days and I have roughly 8,000 tasks to complete. If you don’t see me for another week, you’ll know why. Don’t blame Bud Light. It’s only half their fault.

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Me, lying in bed after looking at the clock: Ahhh, I have one more hour of glorious sleep. Thank goodness!

Dog: Vomits.

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Daughter: “Mom, they only give scholarship recommendations to four students.”

Me: “So, did you ask for one?”

Daughter: “Yeah, I was the fifth.”

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Me to daughter: “You really should continue with drama in high school. It’s a good extra-cirricular activity. Sit down with me and watch the Oscars.”

Seth MacFarlane: “We saw your boobs!”

**

Principal, while lecturing my son on his behavior as she taps her skull with her index finger: “This is what you need to do before you act out. What am I doing right now?”

Son: “Poking yourself in the head.”

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My husband comes from a family of poker players. A family gathering isn’t complete without a Texas Hold-’em tournament…or two.

One of their favorite games is Omaha Hi Low. If you’ve never played it, it can get confusing. Actually, even if you have played it, it can get confusing. Trust me.

What you need to know is that it can be a split game. It’s always good to have a high hand, because it can win the whole pot or half the pot if there is a low hand that qualifies. A qualifying low hand is one where all five of your cards are under an eight and the cards can’t be paired. The best low hand is Ace through 5, which can also be a high hand. See? Confusing.

Why am I explaining this to you? Because my last week has been one constant game of Omaha High Low. Let’s review, shall we?

Royal Flush – I find out that I was chosen to speak at the BlogHer ’11 Conference Community Keynote. This is like the blogging equivalent of the Oscar…or the Heisman…depending on what you’re into.

Three 3’s and two 2’s – I realize that being chosen to speak at the Community Keynote means that I have to stand onstage, in front of thousands of people. It appears to be a low hand, but it ends up winning the pot as a high one.

4 of a Kind – I am picked for three, big, exciting campaigns, two of which may benefit my local community.

Ace through 4…and a 9 – Two campaigns are set to be unveiled (and therefore WORKED ON) the week before I attend the BlogHer ’11 Conference where I will do my job on Twitter with 30,000 people following what I say and where I will speak (again with the thousands of people). Almost a low hand, but not quite.

Straight Flush – A friend of mine, who knows I have been either sleeping on our couch or on top of six pillows because our 30 year old mattress hurts my back, tells me she’s going to make it her mission to win me a new bed. AND SHE DOES! I had to promise to give up liquor and Ambien, so you KNOW I want it bad.

2 through 6 – I check email only to find out that my daughter’s summer camp starts in three days. Two days after her softball tournament and one day after a big event I’m planning for a sponsor. Camp involves laundry, last minute supplies, packing for a week and driving her out of town. All while I’m doing that Twitter stuff, and my regular job and planning these three campaigns. What? Oh, I’m going to a conference next week? The one where people fret over what they’ll wear and how good their business cards look and making sure your shoes are stylish AND comfortable. Oh, and I’m speaking? And, there’s stuff to fill out for that? And, I may want to get my roots done, and wax my eyebrows and have you seen my feet? There needs to be a pedicure.

Flush – My daughter’s softball team wins their league championship and the tournament.

2 through 5…and a 7 – The games are in 100 degree heat, my old dog gets overheated on her walk, sees a trash truck (which she is terrified of), falls over and pees all over herself, my son gets a booger and it makes him vomit and then I trip over the reins of one of those horse heads on a stick.

Ace through 5 – I realize that despite being so busy that my head feels like it’s going to pop off, I will live through all of it, see good friends along the way, experience something I have only dreamed about, then sleep in a fabulous new bed.

No matter how you look at it, I win.

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