For the past 35 years I have told one joke. One. It’s the only joke I can remember and it still gets a laugh if you’ve never heard it. Are you ready?
How do you top a car?
I’ll give you a moment to think...
You tep on the brake, tupid.
*cue cymbal*
My sister told a couple of groaners the other day like, “Have you heard about the actress who stabbed herself with her knife? That woman…Reese…”
To which everyone replied, “…Reese Witherspoon?”
And she said, “No, with her knife.”
*cymbal crashes to the floor*
So, look. It was kind of a tough week around here and I don’t just mean because we tell awful jokes. We could use a good guffaw. I’ll take your best one-liner, best riddle…whatever you have, but keep it fairly clean because this blog is read by a priest, a rabbi, and a minister…who walked into a bar. I’m here all night, folks! Don’t forget to tip your wait staff!
But, seriously. And, I don’t mean Siriously. I asked her to tell me a joke and look what she said.
everyone’s a comedian!
Clearly, I need your help folks. Hit me with your best shot in the comment section!
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Rachel
Why couldn’t you hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent!
Momo Fali
Good one!
Amie
The Reese Witherspoon joke is one of my favorites. Here’ another:
Why did Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
Fo’ the drizzle!
(It’s really better told in person)
Momo Fali
I laughed!
Kriss
Skeleton walks into a bar…he orders a beer and a mop….budummbahhhhh
Momo Fali
I’m laughing because it’s SOOOOO bad!
Kriss
What’s a bull’s favorite food?
Bulloney!
Thanks, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal…
Susan Getgood
Sadly most of the jokes I can remember are NSFB and would reveal just how much my humour resembles that of a 13 year old boy.
Here’s my favorite lightbulb joke.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one but it really has to want to change.
Dawndi
Knock Knock
Who’s there
Dwayne
Dwayne Who?
Dwayne the bathtub! I’m Dwowning!
🙂
Kris
Did you hear about the blonde who bought an AM radio?
It took her six months to realize she could also listen to it at night.
Davina
We had to find a joke when Justin was in preschool for “J” Day. Here’s one on my favorites. 🙂
“Why do gorillas have such big nostrils??
Because they have big fingers.”
I know, I know!!!!
Sunday
My daughter’s favorite joke:
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow!
Interrupting c….
MOOOO!
lceel
I like my coffee like I like my women …
Naked.
Heather A
Funny, when my husband tells that joke the punchline is, “ground up and in the freezer.”
I think I should maybe be worried…
Amie
When I tell that joke about men, the punchline is “pale and weak”
Judy Warchol
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: You ‘neak up on him.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: ‘Tame way, you ‘neak up on him.
(I know. It’s lame, but I can’t help myself.)
Momo Fali
The unique rabbit joke is one of my cousin’s favorites!
Monica
Did you hear the now about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
Monica
Hmmm…that was supposed to say “Did you hear the ONE about the…”
Carmen
Why did the pirate wear camouflage underwear?
To hide his booty!
My kids never fail to laugh at that one. 🙂
WeaselMomma
Why Did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see monkey do.
Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer Pressure
Stupidest joke that I know. Still cracks me up. I hope your weekend gets better than that joke.
Melisa
Why did the tomato go out with a prune?
Because he couldn’t find a date.
Anne Weber-Falk
Here a couple for you…
What’s big and red and eats rocks?
A big, red, rock eater!
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
I know. I can’t help it. I hang with the kids.
Kablooey
Why did the elephant lay his trunk across the trail?
To trip ants.
Thank you, good night. I’ll be here all week.
Kablooey
Wait, one more terrible yet of-the-moment joke.
What will Kanye and Kim’s kid’s future autobiography called?
North, by North West.
Can you believe they named the kid North West? I don’t know why I’m actually surprised by what a celebrity names their child anymore, but it never ceases to astound me. How someone can think “We’re bringing a life into this world… a precious being. You think we should go for a joke, or just screw the baby up? What do you want to do, honey?”
Jamie@SouthMainMuse
My husband told me this yesterday. A horrible accident and a guy gets his penis hacked off. The doctor says, “Well, your replacement apparatus comes in different sizes. Your $1000, $5000 or $10,000 models.” The poor considerate fellow says that he will go home and consult with his wife. The next day he calls the doctor. “Well, turns out that we’ll be getting granite countertops.”
Wendy
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain, and they name him Juan. Years later, she receives a picture from Juan in the mail. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Loved this post … thanks for the laughs!
Peggy O'Mara
A man dies and goes to heaven. He asks God, “God, why did you make women so beautiful?
“So, you’d like them,” God says.
“But, God, why did you make them smell so good.”
“So, you’d like them, my son,” God says.
“But, God, why did you make them so nice?”
“So, you’d like them.”
“But, God, then why did you make women so stupid?”
“So, they’d like you.”