1. When spring rolls around with her warm breezes and gentle rain, and the air outside is rich with the scent of lilacs, my old house starts to smell like wet dog and rotten wood.
2. When school softball, summer softball, track, baseball, going away parties, graduation parties and weddings all start to overlap, I begin to think I should increase my dosage of Zoloft.
3. Throw in a spring musical and it’s time to get my Ambien refilled too.
4. But, taking Ambien makes me get on Twitter and say things like this: ‘There is missional impossible musci blarking behind my head and it makes me want to put on black leggies and snaek around nmy houser’.
5. And, this: ‘Now t here ‘s a baby crying and it’s making my ovaries hurt. If I start lactating, that will just be weired’.
6. Then people named AmbienRehab start following me on Twitter.
7. My family likes to spend time playing the Wii together, but Super Mario Bros. was invented by someone with a sick and twisted view of family togetherness.
8. My son jumps around on his Hippity-Hop so much that he looks like he has a permanent, blue hemorrhoid.
9. If you go to a wine tasting and the Sommelier starts talking about “shoulders” in your wine, you may think you drank too much.
10. And, if your husband hasn’t had dinner and attends the same wine tasting, he may eat half a cheeseball made of Jarlsberg cheese.
11. So when next year’s invitation doesn’t arrive, we shouldn’t be all that surprised.
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WeaselMomma
Drinking, Drugs and bad smells…..Godd to see you relieving the glory days of college!
Melisa with one S
eew. I'm still on the permanent blue hemorrhoid.
Tela
So THAT'S what my house smells like.
mandibone
I live in an old house and the wood floors feel sticky with the humidity. I try not to be on Twitter when the drugs kick in but when it happens it is always funny.
Angella
I happen to love your Ambien Tweets. And comments. You crack me up, lady.
Tara R.
I think pinot grigio has the same affect on my tweets as Ambien has on your.
#1… yeah, that's us too.
Allison
Number 4 made me laugh out loud!!! Thanks for the giggle!!
:o)
moosh in indy.
We made it through one night of Mario Brothers before I screamed divorce.
Also, wine people lost me at the whole legs thing, so shoulders? PLZNOTHX.
Heather
i think i favorited a few of those ambien tweets. seriously, those cracked my shit up the other night. but they also make me seethe with jealousy because my stupid doctor won't give me ambien. *sad trombone*
😉
UP
Half a cheese ball, poor man! The next few days may be difficult for both of you!
UP
mrsmouthy
I'm going to start myself on Ambien to see if my blog posts end up this funny, too.
meleah rebeccah
You seriously crack me up, but number six? Made me laugh out loud.
AlisonH
I'm really really hoping my house won't start smelling like rotten wood. We found the six inch hole in the roof from the neighbor's falling tree a year and a half after it landed–with that branch behind the bookshelf, unnoticed. Oops. So far, the damage is a mere $150 roof repair.
rockle
Mmmm, Jarlsberg. *drools*
I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
Melissa
Ambien is awesome, huh? Just wait until you start posting about boob size..:)
Otter Thomas
Amen to #7. After about a week my wife swore to never play with me again. And she has kept her promsie.
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Anonymous
ah ambien moments! I know them well! I have to keep the bottle upstairs next to the bed, then i have to take one, and get in bed, no talking, no reading, no anything!!! too many mornings when my hsuband starts "reminding" me of what I said or did, i have no recall, until he reminds me!!! the time we were dating and I told him i wanted to get my tubes untied and have a baby with him (we both have 3 kids, ages 10-23 at the time and both in our late 40's mind you) and had names and everything. he did not know about Ambien at that time, can't believe he didn't run screaming away from me! oh ya, and then there's the time I took it at summer camp, and it started to rain at about 2 am and I made the entire camp (140+) kids and adults get up and move their beds to the dining hall, um ya, Ambien moments! so much evilness and craziness from one teeny tiny pill!