Yesterday was supposed to be a laid back day around here. No softball, no soccer, no therapy, no appointments. Plus, my son was home sick so I didn’t even have to go to work.
I have now come to realize that there is no such thing as a laid back day.
Back in 2007, I wrote a list of things no one ever told me before I had kids. Yesterday, I added a few more items. Such as…
…it pays to have long limbs, even if that means you once had a high school teacher who nicknamed you orangutan arms. Hypothetically. Because, yesterday I was able to steer my car and hold a bag under the chin of my vomiting son who was sitting on the passenger side of the back seat.
…if you try to read a book with a seven year old around, it is like brushing your teeth with one individual toothbrush bristle. You’ll get the job done, but it’s going to take awhile.
…if your son sees you allowing the dogs to bite a few kernels of corn off a cob which you are holding tightly in your hand, he will take the corn cob he is supposed to be eating, throw it to the ground and let the dogs take turns biting off chunks big enough to cause intestinal blockage in an elephant. Then he’ll sit back and watch as the dogs swallow them whole.
…when you attempt to pour spoonfuls of hydrogen peroxide down your dog’s throat to induce vomiting, she really won’t like you very much.
…when your son is peeing and completely misses the toilet, it’s not necessarily because his aim is bad. It could be that his sister is standing at the sink and he’s trying to pee on her shoe.
…even though the drinks at the circus cost $8.00, go ahead and splurge for more than one so you don’t have to share a straw. Especially if your son has an upper respiratory infection. And, you have asthma. Unless, of course, you think breathing is overrated.
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Tom
I know what you mean about no laid-back days with kids around. I look forward to weekdays when I can be at work so I can relax. It’s the weekends that make me tense up.
Kim
You are hysterical. I have no other words..
DysFUNctional Mom
You POor thing. What a fabulous day!
Karen MEG
You are way too funny for your own good.
Orangutan arms, seriously? That’s what they are, gahh, my arm is back there all the time.
My daughter peed on her brother’s shoes while on a train travelling between Toronto to Montreal … pretty good aim for a girl, wouldn’t you say ;)?
Hope the week gets better.
kristi
Gosh, what a day you had.
WeaselMomma
Oh, you poor thing. You’re right. Nobody told us this is what were signing up for.
DiaperPin Up Girl
I peed my pants.
You still win.
Single Parent Dad
I cheated death, and I baked, and lived to tell the tale.
Xbox4NappyRash
Yesterday sucked, today rocked.
Otter Thomas
That list is hilarious. What a day!
James (SeattleDad)
MOS: Work, Work, Work. Then I got home and was able to put Luke down to bed for only the second time in months, since my wife was mentoring other new parents. It was nice and easy, which I like.
Bean
Loved the list – the toothbrush analogy is perfect.
Always Home and Uncool
See if you doc or vet or druggist can get to an oversize syringe (a 30 or 40 cc one) to keep on hand. Works great for getting the hydroperoxide down the pup throat. Trust me.
St
Ugh, can’t handle the puking of creatures to young or stupid to put it somewhere appropriate.
And OMG, your thing about reading? Perfect.
Leendaluu
fabulous…..I once poured hydrogen peroxide down my dog’s throat after she ate 2 lbs of chocolate chips. I’ll never eat Mississippi Mud Cake again. ’nuff said.
BusyDad
Hey, I got the “boy” hyperlink! I can now proudly say I’m a 2-time title holder. You just gave me another reason to not pee in the toilet. However, I probably won’t live to blog about it.
Mrs4444
Use a turkey baster for the peroxide; it’s faster and easier. We use 1/3 cup for our 80 lb. golden retriever.
Loved the peeing story!
Damn those blasted circus rip-offs; I won’t even go because of that (that’s what grandparents are for, I say!)
Stella
OUCH! What a day!!
I think the dog pushed it over the edge!!
You need a drink!
Rhea
I’ve never had to induce my dog to vomit…good god, I hope I never do. It’s bad enough having kids upchucking.
BTW, my dog, when she does upchuck on her own…she eventually eats it all over again. It’s amazingly efficient.
melissa
i just noticed…i think we are living parallel lives. the dog. the kids.
i’m so sorry. 😉
Heather
Oh shit, now THAT kind of day SUCKS.
Big hugs to you! 🙂
Devri
my one year old fell on the corner of our fireplace, and gave himself a black eye, split his eye open.. he looks like he was punched!! lovely.. I could go on.. but I wont!!
surprised mom
And I thought I had it bad yesterday when I had to go to work in the evening at the last minute and stand on my feet for hours on end. My pitty party is over. I dealt with adult people, who sometimes had child people with them. But even if the child people were misbehaving, I didn’t have to do anything about it.
I’m so sorry about your day, but your sense of humor is still intact. I had to LMAO at your post.
You are correct in saying we had no clue what we were signing up for. There was no instruction manual. I’m still ticked about that.
I hope your week just gets better and better!
Angella
Good grief, woman. Here I was complaining about barf. You had barf AND THEN SOME.
You are a stronger woman than I.
Tara R.
It’s nearly impossible to take a day off while kids are close by. Hope the puking is over and your dogs have survived.
turnitupmom
Your comparison of reading with teeth brushing is PERFECT! and so true.
Lisa@verybusymomwith4
A laid back day alright 😉
But seriously–peeing on her shoe?! The germaphob in me just screamed 😉
Debbie
Good grief woman! That was some day. And the peeing on the shoe? Priceless.
Tracey
Quite the day… but I do have a feeling that you would not have it any other way! An adorable family – even when sick. Besides, what would you blog about if you had a “laid back day”??
Enjoy your weekend and I hope your son feels better soon!
Jaina
I hope you have a healthy and fun weekend. 😉
Mom of Three
Certainly no such thing as a relaxing day. In between meetings, I picked up my 13 y.o. daughter from the nurse. She was frantically crying because her boyfriend “cheated on her” by holding another girl’s hand. Christ, it’s just going to get worse, isn’t it?
mrsmouthy
This belongs in a frame, being sold at a local Hallmark or something. Too funny!
meleah rebeccah
Honestly, I am TRULY sorry you day was so insane, but I am laughing soooooooo hard I may have pulled a muscle.
[Im still HYSTERICAL imagining you reaching over to the backseat with a ‘vomit bag’ for your son!!!]
Poor kid! and POOR MOMMY!!
kim
That’s some funny stuff but I guess that explains why my son always seems to pee on the floor.
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