Yesterday morning, I tested my level of parenting endurance when the school where I work said they needed me to leave my second grade class for the day and go on my son’s field trip. Thirty kindergartners, a city bus, a downtown transfer and an imminent rainstorm, all at the ripe hour of 8:00 AM.
First, we missed our bus. Then as we stood waiting for the next one to arrive, my son tugged on my arm to tell me he had to poop. Of course.
I did what any self-respecting mother would do and said, “I don’t know what to tell you. You’re going to have to just shove it back up in there.”
On the bus, we met lots of colorful characters. At one point, I mentioned to my son that our new puppy would likely pee in her cage because we would be gone so long, to which he replied, “I bet she will. I can kind of smell her pee right now.” No sweetie, that’s the guy standing next to me.
After the field trip, we waited an eternity for the bus to take us back downtown. We were in a lovely area of Columbus, affectionately referred to as “The Bottoms”. There was lots of trash for the kids to play with and some delightful graffiti for our emerging readers. Something about someone’s mom and a particular body part.
On the bus trip home, I can’t decide if it was more fun to stand for half the ride, or whether it was watching my son’s “buddy” touch the bottom of his shoes and then hold my son’s hand as we walked back to school in the rain. When we finally got back to our car, I just went ahead and had my boy drink some hand-sanitizer.
After arriving home, I spent over an hour on the phone (45 minutes of that on hold) trying to find a baker who can make a Mario cake for my son’s birthday party this weekend. Sorry kid, you’re getting Matchbox cars.
Then, I cleaned pee out of the puppy’s cage. Not from when we were gone for four hours in the morning, but from when I put her in there for 15 minutes so I could do some laundry. Which, makes perfect sense. Oh, and she learned how to climb the steps, so now I have two levels of house on which to chase her.
And, for the icing on the cake? I found my son had etched a self-portrait into our mahogany dining room table.
Some days, there just isn’t enough wine.
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Melisa with one S
It’s not too late to take those dog tranquilizers…
Piper
He’s well on his way to graffiti-ing about you. You must be so proud.
threebysea
Oh my God- that smiley face was just what I needed to see this morning! I love when your posts make me laugh out loud. Thanks for finding and sharing the humorous side to your life.
Kat
Knock on wood my kids haven’t defaced the kitchen table yet, but we have a rainbow now gloriously decorating the wall in LaLa’s room.
Jo
At least he’s smiling in the self-portrait. You’re raising a happy boy…
Loved the post…too funny!
Jodi
Looks just like him! Excellent work! Hope tomorrow is peaceful!
Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas
Oh God – Oh God! That is really etched INTO your table?!?
I would be completely defeated by that. I’m surprised you were able to take a photo and bring yourself to post about it.
WOW. Hope today is better!
anya
Oh man….forget the wine…I’d be booking a spa day right about now!
mrsmouthy
I was planning on killing myself today, but after reading your post I see I don’t have it so bad. Thanks!
Ed
Seriously?? Etched?? My head would have popped off.
I was going to recommend a bakery–I think the table etching would have me canceling the party altogether.
Sadia
Egads … thanks for putting my day in perspective. 🙂
Kiera
These comments are almost as funny as this post! I still haven’t stopped laughing about this. Probably because so much of it rings true. I am a little concerned about your sons “buddy” though. I hope this wasn’t the man who smelled like urine. 🙂
And for the self portrait, I have a feeling you’ll treasure that table and it will be around for a long time!
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
At least his graffiti wasn’t a depiction of one of YOUR body parts. Give the kid props – at least it stayed rated G.
LeAnne
Sorry to laugh, but this post made my day! There truly isn’t enough wine somedays…
The etched photo though, oh man.
You know, I never etched anyone into a table when I was younger, but I do remember taking a set of keys to my brothers wall…
Hey, we’re artists! We find ways that are out of the norm to create!
Marinka
But look at how happy he looks on that etching!
BusyDad
Well, does it help that your bad day made me laugh and smile? No? Well shove it back up in there (my new favorite phrase in the world).
meleah rebeccah
Having your son drink hand sanatizer and
“I can kind of smell her pee right now.” No sweetie, that’s the guy standing next to me”
made me laugh – out loud.
Ah yes, the joys of parenting!
Natalie
the etching? i would have cried. when my youngest was 3 she walked through our house and counted doors. she put a big black permanent ink line on each one to make sure she didn’t count them twice. then she proudly announced that we had 11 doors. 11 doors with big black lines down them. thank you honey.
and the pee…i might have been sick.
AlisonH
Someday when he’s a world-famous artist some crazy will want to bid hundreds of thousands at auction for his early work showing signs of genius. (Typed the daughter of the modern-art dealer, trying to be helpful.)
Jaina
I’m sending you virtual wine. ::hugs::
Heather
Children always have to poop at the most inconvenient times. My niece used to do it every single day when I took her with me to pick my daughter up from school.
Corey~living and loving
seriously….you couldn’t have paid me to be YOU yesterday. not even if I was paid in dark chocolate…..and lots of it….
eeekkk.. the etching…NOT good.
Kori
lovely, lovely art. Perhaps Owen could come over and put the finiahsing touches on with some of the foundaton he likes to squirt everywhere. And then we can deal by taking the dog’s drugs. Life is sweet.
James
LOL. I do think you have coined a new phrase. I can see it on the next Dirty Harry movie:
“Well punk, your just goin to have to shove it back up in there”.
Otter Thomas
You obviously picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue.
Tom
Your table now has character, and family lore. Be sure your son inherits it so he can explain the etching to his progeny.
Kathy
I gasped aloud when I saw the table. I’m sorry for your day. Are you drunk yet?
isla
Chelsea is in the other room wondering why I’m laughing so hard.
As an OT I gotta say at least it’s an age appropriate drawing.
Mom of Three
“You’re going to have to just shove it back up in there”. I’m with Busy Dad-that’s my new favorite phrase!
Ashley
There’s just something about some of your “bad days” that makes me giggle 🙂 Lorelei somehow drew a perfect “W” on our upholstered kitchen chair…and then broke the back off another. Did I mention they’re antiques?
WeaselMomma
Oh, hat a bad day! I’m so sorry. Maybe some nice hot tea and some schnapps?
Rachel
Doooooood.
That’s old school blogging, didn’t you know?
Rhea
chaperoning a field trip alone would have done me in. I’ve done it. It’s exhausting.
Nice self-portrait! lol
Tara R.
On the upside, he didn’t add the new graffiti slogan he learn earlier in the day to his drawing.
Reagan
This post was freakin’ hilarious- you have quite a gift! 🙂
Aunt Debbi/kurts mom
Looks like he developed an appreciation for graffiti art. Sorry about the table. Mine is stained with sharpie marker that leaked through paper.
Ms. Latina
First time at your site, Found you on blogatations and love your writing wit! Thank you for the laugh before my bedtime!
Jill in MA
You’re right — there’s just not enough wine. Thanks for your wit!
DiaperPin Up Girl
“Shove it back up there” is the funniest thing I’ll hear all week.
O My Blog!
He has quite the knack for light and shadow in this etching. It may be worth something when he’s older!
My MOM ruined my table with those window clingie things you can get. I had purchased a package of gel hearts and in true MOM fashion, she can’t leave stuff alone and she took them out of the plastic package and placed then on the corner of my table. I have little red hearts all over the one corner now from where the gel hearts bled color. She has no excuse, she’s over 60….btw, there is a warning on the package NOT to do what she did. You think someone her age would read…
Angella
I would totally bring you a bottle of wine if you lived nearby. You deserve it.
newnorth
ouch
the planet of janet
i figure you can turn the table on its side, cut off the legs and hang it on the wall.
it’s ART. duh.
DysFUNctional Mom
Don’t you just wonder sometimes what the HELL are they thinking?? Kids, dogs, all of them.
Kim
“I don’t know what to tell you. You’re going to have to just shove it back up in there.”
–I am rolling around in my chair dyin of laughter.. this is hysterical.. oh my goodness.. classic
Angie
I’m drinking wine as we speak (type). My day was not so filled with activities as it was filled with 3 kids and just their daily trials and tribulations… Well, I’m drinking wine as we speak, nuff said.
katy
you gotta be thankful that you lived to blog about it… 🙂
disa
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