At the store recently, I saw a woman pick her son out of a shopping cart, then put his backside up to her nose as she inhaled deeply. I can’t tell you how many times I used to do that, along with grabbing the back of a diaper to judge whether there was a “nugget” inside. And, if I was in a hurry, I would just go ahead and stick my finger right in to feel if it was dirty.
Why is this type of behavior acceptable? Because being a parent gives you free reign to do gross things. When you start a family, you gain children, but you lose your dignity.
The very nature of having kids is rather icky. It may be a miracle, but no matter how a baby comes out, it’s not a pretty sight.
It’s really the day to day parenting that can be rather offensive though. I lost track of the amount of times I’ve licked my thumb to get dirt off a face, and to calm fly-away hair. Not to mention the many instances I slurped formula off my wrist after testing its temperature. Either that, or I just went ahead and wiped it on my pants.
I have come to the rescue as a bug-smasher and dead animal picker-upper. I have caught vomit in my bare hands, and cleaned projectile poop off a wall. It seems to me, being a Mom is much like joining a fraternity.
I have cut toenails which resembled talons, and I’ve pulled a hair out of my gagging daughter’s throat. One of my favorite memories was when she was three, and she decided to go through a spitting phase. I spent an afternoon cleaning up roughly 30 hocker piles off the basement floor.
I have picked boogers with a toothpick, and yanked ear wax out with tweezers. And once, on a playdate at the park, I let my friend’s kid poop in a plastic bag propped up inside my Igloo cooler.
Let there be no doubt…kids are the reason bleach was invented.
Follow
Email
Comments
Karen C.
I will totally never forget that episode of “King of Queens” where some friends with a baby pick up their baby and smell his bottom, and Doug (the main, hilarious character) says, “I don’t even know if I could pass that test!” Hilarious. Thanks for the laughs, Momo. (BTW, I’ve decided to permanently de-lurk. You’re welcome.) lol
Stella
Ok, the igloo thing, awesome! Beer and poop….who could ask for more?!?!
I think the only thing I haven’t done is i WILL NOT stick my finger in a diaper to see if it’s dirty. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’ll smell, I’ll squish and feel, I’ll look but no touchy!!
Bee
poop in a plastic bag propped up inside Igloo cooler
Ha! What a great idea! Leave it to moms to be creative!
Stephen
I believe it! I never thought we were signing up for so many different kinds of bodily fluids. Ewww!
Mommy Bits
LOL. This is so true. I once helped my son by assisting “stuck” poo out of his rear.
You really do whatever it takes when you become a parent.
ElizabethSheryl
*laughs* This is a great post. Not being a parent, but a prior nanny/lots of younger cousins I can attest to many of these. I’ve held my hand under a toddler mouth to catch the vomit from going on the carpet, or my favorite. I’m playing “flying baby” with my cousin Scarlett when she was about 9 months. Happy, giggling baby and I’m talking to her when a huge amount of drool drifted down from her mouth right into mine. Yeah. There was no stopping it, it was fast. Hooray for Scope.
Stacey @Real World Mom
LMAO! You are too funny! And this is way too true!
jessica kate
Holy shit, did I need that. Awesome!
Dan
You know you are a parent when someone vomits all over you and your instinct is to hug them tighter rather than fling them across the room
Selma
You also know you’re a parent when your baby son pees on you while you are changing his diaper and you feel nothing but relief that he is well hydrated. You are so right, kids are the reason bleach was invented. And vodka !
chefmom
OH MY!! I’m in tears! It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who lets kids poop in really odd receptacles….with a bag of course. And I’m with Selma…It’s the reason Vodka was invented….
Jared
I’m with ya there. My gag reflex is pretty much non-existent now. The only thing that stil grosses me out is the cleaning with spit thing…I HATE the smell of spit. Ughh!
The poopin’ in the cooler…genius! I’ll store that one away for future use. 😀 Good post!
Ashley
I’ve never stuck my finger in L’s diaper yet. Bleh. I have learned to never say never…but still. Lucky for me, she now cries after she poops. So, she (and the smell) tell me fast. 🙂
I say I don’t stick my finger in her diapers, but I’ve been spit up on, thrown up on, peed on, and pooed on.
Parenting rocks!
Mimi aka pz5wjj
Oh, this is too true!
I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or hang my head in shame!
Jamie E
I too have caught vomit in my bare hands….why do we do that? Is it to stem the mayhem??? Would it be worse just to let it splatter? Probably…
“I’ve pulled a hair out of my gagging daughter’s throat”
Her own or someone else’s-I’m curious now…My blog has become subscribe only now so if you message me your email addy I can add you if ya love me enough to want to!
Lyssa Ireland Thomas
Dear Lord, you are DEDICATED, woman! I could not stomach 90% of these things – that’s why my marriage has been successful – I’d call Daddy to take care of it. I do have a “what do I do now?” dance for all these things.
Bean
Was that us?!? I can’t remember but am thinking it was. I almost threw up in my mouth a bit with the booger toothpick thing – though I don’t know why – bc I always used cotton swabs. Not like that’s any different! Btw, just NOW back online.
Ok, Where Was I?
This post is brilliant. You’re hilarious. I wipe stuff on my pants ALL THE TIME and then will actually wear them the next day, and the next, etc. with stuff visibly stuck on them. My old self would totally feel sorry for my new self. My new self feels sorry for that old kid-less self though.
Maureen
Oh yeah! Been There. Done That. Vomit catcher, poop checker, all the disgusting jobs you never thought you’d have the stomach to do until you become a parent.
I think this post should serve as birth control to those with weak constitutions.
Heather
The beauty of parenting – you’ve wrapped it up in a nutshell, Momo! =D
Jacque
Ha! I’ve done all those things and just sniffed my baby’s butt about three minutes ago. I enjoy reading your blog! Now, off to change that diaper!
Jacque
Wait, I have to say I’ve done all those things EXCEPT let someone poop in my cooler. 😉 Also can’t say I’ve cleaned up hockers either, but plenty of puke and poop!
LaskiGal
Oh, this is my life. I remember watching parents do pretty much all you describe and thinking–no, nope, never, ever will I do that. Yeah, well, 7 months later and I’ve done pretty much all of it. And, I am completely unashamed. Sniffing bottoms, catching vomit, picking boogers, clipping talons . . . you name it. Heck, he’s just an extension of me, right? The only difference, I do all this in public . . . proudly. Clearly I have issues . . .
Jenna Consolo
LOVE THIS!!! You’ve got me rolling! So very, very true. And how can it be gross, when it’s the common denominator?
transfattyacid
lol…. as a new parent I can empathise with this entirely.
I was recently shopping for products and came across a device for cleaning babies congested noses – which was basically a small tube, with a bowl connected and the parent was expected to suck the snot from the nose, which in turn would be collected on the tube.
I looked at it and thought ‘nah’… but then the little piglet hasn’t had a cold yet, and no doubt when that day comes I might rethink – either that or teach the real use of sleeves:)
Nola
Eeeeeewwwwwww! I hope there was liquor in that igloo that you slurped down, first!
A Whole Lot of Nothing
I’ve pulled hairs out of both my kids’ asses and my dogs’.
Good times… Good times…
HRH
The cooler poop has to nominate you for most creative mom of the year (and not even YOUR kid gives you bonus points.) EWWWWWWW…
<---That Girl
ew, eww & ewww!
Amber
Sigh, the glamor of being the mom- or any mom. It’s almost too much to handle.
Heather B.
Reading this lets me know just how crappy of a mom I will be. I actually am gagging at the thought of some of these things. Also once a teething 16 month old was throwing up and tried to come to me for comfort and what did I do? I ran away and when I finally picked him up, I held him at arm’s length.
See? I’m going to be a crappy mother.
Angie
You are right. You are so very right.
Pinky
I hope that cooler has been flagged. I will confess that we’ve peed in cups while squatting in the minivan. I’ve let my kids blow their noses on my shirt…and not changed it till bedtime.
Has anyone seen my dignity?
Lisa
All so true and so so gross (when I was without kids!).
Rachel
A-damn- Men!!!
meleah rebeccah
Let there be no doubt…kids are the reason bleach was invented.
I could not have said that any better myself. SO true.
Amy
But you are a much better mom than I, because while I have done several of these things, if my kids puke, they’re on their own!
LiteralDan
Wow, what a great post– it rolls all that stuff up into one little package. While I don’t ever see a need to send a blind finger in, when I can peek in the sides if the top view isn’t good enough, most of the rest of this stuff is pretty standard behavior for me.
Non-parents just have to think about it logically– gross things happen with kids, and you very often have to make an executive decision about which course of action is grosser, more embarrassing, and/or more work.
This is how, for example, despite your opinions now, you’ll end up catching vomit in a very washable hand rather than having to drive around for several weeks (at best) afterward with the irrepressible stench of vomit filling the car.
Heather b., I’m sure you’d make a great mother– don’t worry too much about it!
holly
note to self : do not eat dinner whilst reading momo’s.
oh i’m probably kidding.
i probably didn’t just vomit.
but i *did* remember when my daughter projectile poo’d all over the incubator while i was changing her in the neonatal icu. i just looked up at the midwives who said they’d take it from there. niiiice.
oh and my daughter will kill me for telling this, but one morning when she was 1.5, we walked in and she was ‘tasting’ the ‘nuggets’. oooooooooooh myyyyyyyyy bobbbbbbb!
Molly
oh my god I just laughed until tears streamed down my face (at work)