The book What to Expect When You’re Expectingsaved my daughter’s life. I wasn’t that far along in my pregnancy, but I read ahead in the book just to find out what adventures were to come. When I read about kick counts, I got a little concerned. I had been feeling the baby kick a LOT just a couple of weeks before, but all that kicking had stopped. I mentioned it to my OB at my next appointment, who then scheduled an ultrasound. I had my daughter via emergency c-section the next day. I was told that in another two weeks she would’ve been stillborn.

You tend to put a lot of faith in that which prevents something so horrible. The What to Expect books have been my ultimate go-to guides.

For the past four days, my five year old son has had a pretty high fever, so last night I pulled out my handy-dandy What to Expect book. I may have been doing this parenting thing for over nine years, but a refresher course never hurts.

The book says that your child’s behavior, not necessarily their temperature, should be how you judge the severity of the illness. And, speaking of that behavior, apparently it’s not that uncommon for a child to suffer convulsions when they have a fever. I gotta tell you though, the authors seemed just a bit too nonchalant about it.

If convulsing begins, the book says to remain calm and check the clock so you can time the seizure. Maybe grab a cup of tea and give yourself a manicure while you’re waiting.

Don’t put food or drink into your child’s mouth. This is not the time to make him finish his lunch. Also, don’t attempt to bribe him by saying, “If you stop convulsing, I’ll give you a cookie”.

Don’t put your child in the tub. Logically, this SEEMS like a perfectly good time to clean him up. After all, he’ll likely be unconscious, so you wouldn’t get much of an argument about bathtime.

The child’s eyes will roll back, the body will stiffen, arms and legs will twitch and jerk involuntarily. You may want to get out the video camera. Years from now, I’m sure everyone will sit back, have a good laugh, and say, “Remember that time you were having that seizure? Good times, good times.”

If your child isn’t breathing normally, or if the seizure lasts more than five mintues, THEN call 911. Because four minutes and 45 seconds is too soon to freak out. Wait for it…wait for it…when that clock says five minutes, go ahead and call. Although it will feel like five thousand years, you wouldn’t want to sound foolish by saying your kid’s eyes rolled back in his head ONLY four minutes ago.

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I was just finishing up the laundry when my husband asked, “Did you wash my collars?”

“Collars? Was I supposed to do something special with your collars?”

“I needed my collars washed?”

“Well, I did the laundry.”

“But, did you wash my collars?”

“As in they had rings around them?”

“No! As in COLORS!”

When you marry a southern gentleman, sometimes you need a translator.

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At the bank last week, the teller handed my son a sucker and then asked him, “How old are you?”

He replied, “I’m five. And, my Mom is 16!”

But, why I felt the need for nervous laughter and to say, “No I’m not”, I’ll never know. I’m pretty sure the wrinkles speak for themselves.

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