Truly, I am not making this stuff up. My son is obscene in his honesty. He is positively audacious and blunt. He seems to always feel the need to comment on everyone’s looks and compare them to someone, or something. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come off as rude as I hurried him along, in order to avoid having to offer up an apology.

I actually live in constant fear of what he’ll say. He has compared people to fish, asked a rotund, MALE, friend of ours if he had a “baby in his belly”, told a cousin she has a huge chin, asked another friend why she was so big, and tells middle-aged people they’re old. Men are called women and women are called men. I have to avoid anyone overweight, as well as people with birthmarks, scars, strange hair, tattoos, bald heads, and prosthetic anything. He will gladly tell men in pink shirts that “pink is a girl color”, and boys wearing earrings are promptly told that they’re not supposed to. Taking him out in public is like getting a sharp booger. It’s unavoidable and painful, yet inevitable.

So, I shouldn’t have been surprised, when a very wrinkled, older woman was behind us at the store the other day, and he pointed and said, “She’s like Sam-I-Am!”

I tried, HARD, to play it off and said, “Yes! She looks like Gram.”

Or…what Grammy would look like in….oh, say, 100 years. But, I figured this woman would think she resembles his Grandma, and we would all go merrily on our way.

But, it was a futile attempt, because he emphatically said, “No! Sam-I-Am! Sam-I-Am! Not Gram! Sam-I-Am!”

I quickly paid, then picked him up and tickled him a little in order to get him to giggle instead of making another comment. Then, I tried to alleviate the situation as any sane person would…with humor and bad poetry. As I tickled his belly I said, “Oh, please excuse him, Ma’am. His Gram likes Green Eggs and Ham! He’s really into rhyming, because her name is Pam! You DO NOT look like Sam-I-Am!”

Thank goodness, she laughed. Another predicament handled with ease. But, as I made a break for the door, I vowed to NEVER AGAIN take him out of the house. I can not take him here, or there. I can not take him anywhere.

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