Since before Christmas, and my sister’s cancer diagnosis, when my mother-in-law was in the midst of her cancer treatments and a friend’s dad was fighting the same ravaging disease, I have not had it in me to write. I don’t know why.
Sure, it’s logical that when so many people you care about have been irrevocably touched by an awful disease that it’s hard to let your mind stray far enough to find words, but I have written through a lot here; more than I even care to rehash (or link to).
While I doubt that anyone would mind if I needed time to sort out this lack of creativity, I would love it if I could find it inside myself to write something for them. A tribute, a rally cry, something to make them smile…anything. Instead, I sit here and stare at the wall in a quasi-funk, feeling sorry for everyone. I hate that. They would hate it too.
But, I feel like my muse is hooked up to a chemo pump and my mojo is being burned away by daily radiation. I know that people I love are hurting and I can’t pretend otherwise.
This state of being miserable just isn’t me. I’m not used to being depressed. I’m always anxious, yes, but not downright sad. This has to change right now. I can’t expect them to put up a good fight when I’m not doing my best to do the same.
So, I’m making a promise to stop this nonsense. It doesn’t do any good to stare at the wall and wish things were different. If that were the case, I’d wish everyone was healthy and that I was in Fiji with a raft and a fancy drink and I would see my muse walking toward me on the beach with a Macbook in hand. Swoon.
Tomorrow is a new day full of hope and opportunity and I’m not going to waste it. It’s the least I can do. For them.
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Zak
I so freaking get this.
Love you hard.
Amanda
Yes, but if you falter don’t beat yourself up.
Big love and light to you and your people.
UP
Dark chocolate is the only thing that brings me out of a funk.
UP
Wenderly
Amen. And *hugs*.
Julia Roberts
Yes, for them.
Hugs.
ats
I need your light. You produce a ton. Shine it. xo
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
I can’t think of anything better to say than what Amy said.
(Which, btw, is a recurring theme.)
FireMom
Sending you love and hugs and strength and even the room to be sad an angry. You don’t have to be perfect in this. You just have to be you.
Kim
It is something I struggle with too.. Hugs to you and them..
Melisa
Yep. I can’t add anything better than what the others said. Just yep.
Carolyn Online
That all sucks. I’m sorry. Love you man.
Heather
I really get this. If you need an ear or need someone to talk to you, you know how to find me. Sending love & hugs. And lots of prayers that cancer gets it’s ass kicked by your family members.
megan tomczyk
Thinking of you! Been there. Cancer sucks. Sending you vibes of strength!
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
I wrote you a love letter.
YOU? Are welcome.
http://awholelotofnothing.net/momo-fali-i-give-to-you/
Rachel (Hounds in the Kitchen)
Cancer sucks. Big time.
AmazingGreis
XOXO
Marci Rich
Momo, with this post, you’ve already begun. Your family and friends are so fortunate to have you in their corners, helping them fight their fight while you struggle with your muse. You’re fighting on multiple fronts!
I’ve never shared this on my blog yet, but I’ll do so quietly here: I’m a cancer survivor. I’ve been waiting patiently for the voice to come that will allow me to write my story…these things take time. But your post has lit a fire under me, and I know I will get it done.
Wishing good health to those you love, and inspiration to you.
-Marci
Liz
Just read Angie’s love letter to you. I think you should print it, post it (perhaps, some place a little more discreet than the fridge) and read it often. Which, you probably already have. I know, I did. Because, I know, that you know, online friends like to share and roll like that! {{{hugs}}}
Joni
Agree totally! As we lift ourselves, we can then lift them! Thinking of you all daily! Tightest Hugs ever!!!
JamieBMusings
Best wishes to you and your family.
Amo
My dad just recently kicked cancer’s ASS, and then celebrated his 60th birthday. I know it is hard to be there for them when all you can think about is the sadness and injustice of it all. I won’t pretend it is easy to find the strength to smile when you can’t muster the energy to move. But I will tell you that the infiniteness of your love for them will shine through you.
Jenny from Mommin' It Up
Blargh. I hate cancer. A good friend of mine battled ovarian most of 2011, diagnosed right after the New Year, and is now doing great. But it’s not the way she really wanted to spend her year. Praying for your sis, your MIL, and YOU. It’s hard to muddle through this crap. So grieve it if you need to. Acknowledge that it is the Suck. And then kick it’s ass. *Love* to you, Momo.
DeniseGabbard@WriteandGetPaid
Wow…cancer touched our family in a big way last year. Though not the first time, it was the first time we had two family members fighting for their lives at the same time.
Just keep your head up, stay strong, and help them BELIEVE:) <<<>>>
meleah rebeccah
I love you. That is all.
AlisonH
Cancer is awful. It also brings the love up into the light, shining clearly with all else burned away.
Speaking of which. I was being a little too blithe and the doctor on Tuesday decided she’d better give it to me straight, just in case, to help me be a little better prepared than I was coming across to her.
And so when I got the email today, earlier than I’d expected, to go to the clinic’s online site and check in to see…I knew it was going to be an answer or a request to come in in person to get the news.
And it was the answer: no cancer cells nor precancerous cells. NO CANCER!!!
And here I was, all read up on the latest studies and statistics for how to deal with endometrial at various stages.
Even the threat of cancer brings a family closer.
AlisonH
And my best wishes and all my love to your family as they fight theirs.
AnneG
It’s natural to feel the deep sadness (and frustration and anger…)you’re feeling. When my dearest friend was diagnosed with cancer, for 2 weeks whenever I was in my car alone, I cried my eyes out. I really couldn’t control it. But you’re right, there comes a time to gather your strength and rally out of it, for your sake and theirs. I’m praying for you.
Beth
You are right that they would not want you to be sad…I have been fighting the big Cancer for awhile now and the hardest part is knowing that my family is sad and depressed about it…Makes ya not want to fight the good fight and just quit so it would be over..What I mean by this is if it was over they would hurt for awhile but the hurting for them would ease up after the shock of my being gone…I don’t want them hurting all the while I am fighting like crazy to stay alive but could be awhile…But on the lighter side I am getting better now and have about won the war…